Sunday, October 3rd, 2021
As I sit in the front seat of my mom's Audi, I wonder if I might actually pass this time. I doubt it. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” my driving teacher says as she slips into the passenger's seat and fastens her seatbelt. Although she probably won’t even need it. 

“I honestly can’t say Ms. Barnes,” I say, trying my hardest to sound sure of myself.

“You got this Toni,” she smiles at me “2nd time’s the charm.” 

My breath begins to shake as I turn the engine on. “Ok Toni, you can do this” I try to convince myself “Nope, no, I can’t do this.” 

I can’t see. I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here. 

I’m sure Ms. Barnes is trying to talk me off the cliff I'm about to jump off right now. But it's no use. I'm already too far gone. My mother’s sobs fill my mind and I just can’t help but go back to that dreadful night. 

*Flashback*

Thursday, May 23rd, 2021

My feet trudge into the house after swim practice per usual. My mother’s cries begin to fill the air. I race to her, thinking she must have fallen only to arrive in a perfectly neat kitchen. She has no visible cuts but is hunched over the table. If she keeps crying onto our outdated rug, it might just become my new swimming pool. 

“What's the matter, mom?” I ask. She continues her sobbing as if I’m not even there. She must be completely zoned out if she can’t even hear me. I cautiously approach her and sit down in the wooden chair next to her. My arms engulf her as I lay my brown locks onto her boney shoulder. Only then does she acknowledge my existence and turn her tear-filled eyes towards me. We stay like this for a long time. 

“Toni,” she stutters trying to get the words out but her mouth just won’t let them go. “Your dad, he,” her cries resurface “he…”

“It’s ok, mom I think I understand,” I force out as tears fill in my eyes as well. 

“No Toni, you don’t understand,” she yells. “He’s dead and he is never coming back. Ever!” Suddenly her amber eyes glow with realization. He is never coming back. 

“Mom I, what happened to him?” I question. 

“Oh Toni,” she pulls me into her embrace, my nose squishing against her. Forcing me to stare at our fridge, covered with assorted family photos that just make the hurt run deeper. “He was driving home, someone hit him. The police say it was DUI and they still haven’t found the driver.” Just thought makes her sobs become more rapid. 

I can’t see. I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here. 

*End of Flashback* 

Sunday, October 3rd, 2021

I manage to open the door and get out. I’m left panting outside the blue car, my hair falling in front of my face shading my bloodshot eyes from any and all bystanders. I hate this stupid car. Rage pushes on me begging to be let out as I whirl around and kick the car. Running inside my face starts to dampen as I reach my room. Ms. Barnes’ footsteps sound in the doorway. She is probably here to have another talk with my mother. My rage bubbles as tears stream down my face. My mind can’t seem to choose between the two emotions. “Indecisive as always” I roll my eyes at myself. “Why can’t you just pass Toni?” I murmur to no one except myself. I drive perfectly fine with my mom, the stupid driver’s test just gets into my head. In movies when one of the main character's parents die they find love and get over it. I can’t even seem to pass my driver's test. I eventually fall asleep to the sound of my own muffled sobs. 

Monday, October 4th, 2021

The next morning I wake to my alarm blaring in my ear and a soaked pillow. My hair is a mess of tangles, I must have forgotten to tie it back last night. Then I remember what happened yesterday, my driver’s test. My mom still hasn’t called me down for a “chat”. Maybe she isn’t as mad as I thought she would be. The dread of having to talk to her after yesterday makes me shrink against myself. Choosing a sweater and some blue jeans to wear for the day, I make my way down to the kitchen. I hurry in hopes to make some breakfast before Neve gets here. Choosing some Fruit Loops, I pour them into a bowl. Everyone says they all taste the same but the purple ones are definitely superior.  

“Morning Toni,” my mom beams as she walks into the kitchen wearing her usual dress shirt and pants. Though the yellow shirt does make her seem a little bit brighter than usual, almost as if she up to something. 

“Mornin Mom,” I respond stuffing Fruit Loops in my mouth before she can decide to question me about what happened yesterday. The honk of Neve’s car outside makes my ears ring. Saved by the “bell”! I run outside waving at my mom as I shut our front door. Neve looks beautiful as always, shoulder-length brown hair, frizzy because she only drives with her windows down. I jump in excited for the day and turn to her so I can peck her on the cheek. Its our standard hello every day. 

 “So how did it go?” She asks me, raising her eyebrows giddily. I'm glad someone has a little faith in me. 

“Didn’t make it out of the driveway I'm afraid madam,” I respond with my best British accent, in hopes of maybe not having a long interrogation. 

“No, Toni! I thought we decided you were going to pass this time so I don't have to keep carting you around,” Neve whines “I know it’s hard but at some point, you're going to need your license, Toni.”

“Ya ya I know I guess it just wasn’t yesterday,” I laugh to her. We spend the rest of the ride bickering about random things. Since the windows are down the whole time we have to yell to hear one another. By the time we drive into the school parking lot my hair is a mess again. Deciding to put it in a bun before I walk in with Neve. She gives me a sideways glance as she removes her ridiculous sunglasses to reveal her piercing blue eyes. My first period is with Ms. Shann my English teacher. It’s a nice way to start the day since we always read for the first 15 minutes. Whenever I get stressed I use reading as an escape. It’s a movie in your head you don’t need a screen to see. My phone vibrates in my pocket while I walk through the door. Giving a nod to Ms. Shann I take my usual seat in the back by the window. Wondering who it might be I quickly sneak a glance through my blue backpack. My mom’s caller ID stares back at me. 

“Hello?” I ask questionably. 

“Honey, you left your computer on the kitchen table. Would you like me to swing by and drop it off before I head to work?” She asks. 

“What! Shoot I can’t believe I did that. If you don’t mind dropping it off I would appreciate it,” I thank her. How am I such an idiot? My internal thoughts are really killing me right now. Ms. Shann starts talking to the class about our agenda and I completely zone out. As I see everyone start to take out their books so do I. I’m re-reading Random Sample for the 7th time, it’s my favorite. I jolt out of my void from the ring the old phone, it’s louder than the school bell. Ms. Shann rushes to answer it in hopes all of her student’s eardrums don’t burst before she can tell us all about her newest read. 

“Ms. Shann speaking,” she says calmly into the tan phone, the old cord is wrapping around her arm like a snake. She listens to the person on the phone then quietly calls me to the front. “Toni you’re wanted in the office. Your mom is here with something for you.” I nod to her starting for the front office. 

My mom waits on the stained couch right by the door, obviously in a hurry to get going. I rush over in hopes of not delaying her much longer than I need her to. Her eyes are clouded as she stares off into the distance, almost longing for someone to walk down the hall and embrace her. 

“Hey, mom! Thanks for dropping off my computer,” I chirp. 

“No problem sweetie see you at home,” she mumbles as she gets ready to leave. All of a sudden she turns around to face me and says “Toni grab your stuff, we’re leaving.” I stare at her face but no emotion lays there so I turn on my heels to go grab my stuff. 

Walking back into Ms. Shann’s room I ignore the little comments from my friends and blankly leave the room. What could be so important that mom wants me to skip school to see it? I glance at the old phone on the wall and see that the cord still has not been untangled. I make a mental note to myself to untangle it when I get the chance. 

As I jump into the passenger’s seat excitement and nervousness overtake me. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? On one hand, we could be ditching school to go find good ice cream. But on the other hand, we could go see Uncle Ned (my least favorite relative). He is always so nosy and he won’t shut up. My mom quietly drives off not saying a word. My guess is it’s something bad. She hasn’t been this silent since I went to a party with alcohol and drunkenly called her to pick me up. 

Sadness washes over me as we drive into a familiar parking lot. The cemetery stares back at me as we park. The worst moment in my life was realizing that my dad would never hug me again. He would never tell me a dad joke again. He would never say I love you again. But somehow he finds ways to remind me he does every day, that is what keeps me going. 

When we reach his gravestone I nod my head in greeting. My mom looks over at me with sorrowful eyes. 

“Toni. Your dad caused the car crash,” she trembles. Her words hit me like a million bricks. 

“What” I stutter, barely able to get the simple word out. 

“I lied to you, Toni. I thought that thinking your dad was killed was better than knowing he brought it on himself.” My knees wobble and then give out. I’m left kneeling by my dad’s grave. The one who decided to get drunk and drive home. The one who thought he could drive under the influence but couldn’t. The one who died that night coming home to his wife and daughter. My mother sinks to her knees next to me and now the roles are reversed, her head on my shoulder while I sob. 

Monday, November 8th, 2021

Learning the truth about my dad ignited a spark in me telling myself that I need to get this driver’s test over with. Knowing that I can be in control of my future gives me a sense of security I have never felt before. 

I walk to the car silently. The thought of retaking the test for the third time makes me want throw up. Then I look to the sky and sunbeams warm my face as a carefully enter the car. I turn to Ms. Barnes sitting beside me ready for me to start. I put my hands on the wheel and I don’t feel like I’m about to pass out. 

“Whenever you're ready.”