“Sorry, what? -- No, I mean, I don’t know”

“God Carl, just answer my damn question”

“I forgot what you asked, what’d you say?

“Forget it, Good Night!”

It’s two in the morning, and yet I’m still awake, I wonder when I will get my memory back. I’m aware of my risky-situation, I’m aware that I might die soon, according to my doctors.

I wonder what happened 10 years ago, I’m yet 19 years of age; moreover, I only remember 9 years of me. I live in America, In the state of Nevada, If you know this place, well you know how cold it can get.

It isn’t a mystery that I’m not good at math, or at anything. I lost my passion about volleyball and basketball, in less than a year, I’ll tell you later about it. Up to the present time, I do nothing after school. My routine’s pretty simple, it’s more like a circle, It starts in the morning, go to school, come back home, and sleep, and in less than a blinck, I’m at the beginning of my circle.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with ‘dissociative disorders’; additionally, I was also diagnosed with diabetes at the same year of age. Since that tangible moment, my life had to change, it wasn’t quite what I wanted, yeah, at that time I’d rather stay in the internet my whole day, but not without volleyball or basketball, these were part of my life, two of the least things I could do. When the doctor suddenly broke the news: “Due to your condition, I’ll have to inform you’ll no longer be able to play any sports for more than 10 minutes.” For a second I thought he was joking, or doing some kind of ultimate joke, but no, he wasn’t.  

That week, was the hardest of my life, week of suffering, of knowing I wouldn't do what I love, my passion, my everything. It hit me more than expected, It seemed like I’d lost someone, it was just two sports, I recall, but it simply broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

Diabetes, and my amnesia have been a real challenge for me, “duh, of course.” I tend to eat what I find, when I want, and where I want. Even Though I know I shouldn’t there always this little monster inside my head saying: “Why doe it matter? You’ll be soon be gone for good! Live your life to the fullest” And guess what happens afterwards, I end up eating as much as my stomach can hold, it doesn’t matter what it is, coconut cookies (my favorites by the way) Maria cookies, or even a 2.5 liter new- freshy fruit juice. It is no question to ask why I’ve gained so much weight in the past few month, I think I have a stomach disorder, what is it called again? fatigue? Anyway, food, very important.

I’ve shown you all my main issues in my life, but if there is something that I have not touched much, it is the subject of my memory. I constantly have to be remembered to do do my things. But my amnesia I believe is not the same you know, I know what I should do, I know what I did yesterday, I know what I did two years ago. But I don’t remember what my life was like 10 years ago. I wonder every night if I was as silly as I’m today, I wonder If I counted every single calorie I ate, I don’t know. And sometimes it’s better not to know, this way, you’ll head will remain clean, with peace and purity.