Take a look out your window. See that girl walking across the street? Long dirty blond hair and a bunch of freckles surrounding the tip of her pale nose? That’s me. You smile and wave to her. She doesn’t wave back.

October 12, 2018. A day that my life changed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night as the smoke alarm started blaring. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t feel anything. As I stepped into the hallway, my lungs suffocating against my body, I remember a cloud of orange ripping the rug apart into pieces. That is the last thing I remember seeing. That is until I woke up in the hospital. All I saw was a sea of charcoal black. And that’s all I’ve ever seen since.

Six months later

People always say everything happens for a reason. But so far me being blind has not saved anyone’s life or provided any benefits for me, unless you count no longer having to write in-class essays. But that’s just a perk. Perks mean nothing when your whole world is numb. Cobwebs are spinning around in my fragile mind and are forming inextricable knots; they formed the second my vision turned dark.

I’m still not used to it. There are things that I took for granted; I was in the bathroom and I started tasting blood in my mouth. I wanted to trace my finger across my gums to see if it was there. But all I could do was taste it. This warm sick feeling spreading across my lips.

I can’t even tell when morning comes. Every single moment of every day is night, even when the sun is burning my cheeks. But in my version of night time there is not one star in the sky. Maybe it’s just because I’ve never felt more alone. I feel like I’m lost in time traveling through a black hole. Like maybe this is just a horrible nightmare. But everytime I wake up the black hole is still there following me, sucking me in deeper and deeper.

Tonight I’m going to my first high-school party since I lost my sight. I remember what that kind of a scene looks like. There are crowds of people everywhere as the lights from the ceiling shine on their faces, sweat coats your forehead and your vision becomes blurred, and the music is absolutely deafening. But now as I’m walking in, it feels entirely different. My vision isn’t blurred, it’s just gone. The music feels as though it is playing in slow motion and the air around me feels heavier, like a fog. I feel my friend clutch onto my arm and lead me further into the room. I feel her nails digging into my skin. “Not so tight,” I whisper under my breath. I can’t tell if I offended her. She doesn’t say anything for a good thirty seconds.

But then, “Oh my gosh,” I hear her squeal in a kind of whisper tone.

“What?” I ask feeling her yank at my arm aggressively.

“That hottie from the subway is here!” she yells.

I honestly forget the hottie from the subway. I first saw him over the summer when we were going to my ex-boyfriend’s concert. But one thing I’ll never forget was how bright the sun shined when I walked out of the subway station that day. Now I can’t even see the boy that I spent hours writing fake letters to in my bedroom alone the next day. It doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters now.

“Cool,” I respond blandly.

“What’s up with you, Kaylee?” I hear Harper ask me. “You were gushing over that guy for days.”

“Harper, I don’t even know the dude’s name,” I respond quietly, the sounds around me sounding even louder now. “And whether or not he has a six pack doesn’t really concern me nowadays.”

I can’t tell if Harper looks down sadly at me. Normally she would. The light from her bright blue eyes piercing my heart. Maybe she is now. But it’d be lame to ask.

“Well I don’t like that,” I hear her respond. I want to smile, but the corners of my mouth refuse to go up. I wonder what I look like when I smile now. I used to smile at myself in the mirror all of the time when I was little. My teeth were so white and my hair glowed like a firefly; I remember being a pretty girl. How the powerful have fallen. “We are getting you that guy tonight,” Harper says proudly.

“No,” I say yanking her arm back. “We aren’t.”

“Don’t you want to have a little fun? Spice things up?”

I shake my head. “I just want to make it out of here alive.”

“Oh and you will!” Harper explains casually. I feel her place a plastic cup into my hand. “Drink up!”

I’m honestly so tired of victimizing myself, so I take a sip from the cup. Then I look up, hopefully glancing somewhere towards Harper. “Let’s party,” I say.

After about six more drinks, I can feel Harper tugging at my sleeve. “Subway boy’s coming our way,” she says. My mind feels all fuzzy and confused, so I just nod.

“Hey,” I hear Harper say flirtatiously. “I have someone who might want to get to know you.”

Somewhere in the next blur of events he introduces himself to me. Then I can feel him pulling earnestly on my arm.

I let out a deep breath. “Dude,” I say, my language all slurred, “Take me somewhere, anywhere but here.”

Then I feel someone tap on my shoulder from behind me. “Kay, I don’t think this is a good idea,” Harper whispers. But my drunk mind doesn’t give a crap.

“Screw you,” I tell her as I get dragged away. I feel myself getting onto an elevator, and I can hear him pushing buttons. It’s getting really hard to stand now so I collapse against the elevator wall breathing heavily.

“Girl you are so drunk right now,” Derek says chuckling. “It’s cute. It makes you look even hotter.”

“Drunk? I’ve never been more sober,” I whisper, my throat feeling raw. He just laughs. I can feel him leading me out of the elevator after another loud dinging noise and across a long hallway. Then suddenly a door shuts behind me.

I feel him sitting me down on a bed. “What are you doing?” I ask him, barely getting the words out.

I feel hands starting to caress my cheek. “I’m just trying to take care of you, babe.”

And like an idiot I nod. Before I know it his lips have touched mine. But for some reason I stay still. This isn’t even my first kiss. I met a boy at the beach two summers ago. We kissed standing in front of a sandcastle right before a wave crawled up my ankles and knocked me over. My cheeks were a pale shade of pink from the sun and everything was blinding that day. The beauty of the Earth looked down on me. The crystal clear salt water may have knocked me over, but at the same time it felt like it was giving me a hug. Embracing me.

But all I see is black as his lips touch mine. And then I feel his hand start to crawl down my neck. And even lower after that. As I notice him trying to lift my shirt my mind freezes for a second. I may not be able to see the guy, but I’m not dumb either.

“No, stop, please,” I mutter.

“But we’re just getting started,” he says.

“No,” I say, my voice getting louder as I feel him undoing my jeans. “You are. I never agreed to this.”

“To what?” he asks. “A loving man like me loving on a girl as pretty as you?”

I start to feel dizzy. I know my shirt is off now and I start to struggle under the weight of his arms. But I don’t even know where I’ll go if I do eventually get free. I have nowhere to run. I can’t see the door. All that clouds my brain right now is a storm of heavy rainfall. Deep muddy puddles lie everywhere on the cold hard concrete sidewalk. Wherever you go you are stuck.

“Please stop,” I say choking on my words.

His mouth meets mine again and I try to lean away but my head slams against the headboard behind me. Now Derek is actually laying on top of me. I can’t see his devilish eyes as they stare into mine, I just feel his hot breath on my skin.

“Look kid,” I hear him start, “the types of girls that go to parties are the types of girls who want this. Now shut up so I can answer your prayers.”

“So now you find joy in slut shaming as well?” I ask, grimacing. He doesn’t respond, but I feel his hands on my chest again. “Please don’t.”

Then I hear a loud banging and the door hinges as the door swings open. “Get off of her!” I hear someone yell. It’s Harper.

I feel some of the weight that was on top of me being released. Tears start crawling down my face, but my mind feels so numb that I can’t bother to reach my hand up and wipe them away. “You were the one who set me up with her, you freak!” Derek yells. I hear his feet pounding away from me.

“Yeah, so she could get to know you. Not so you could sleep with her, you moron!”

Everything is a blur until I feel a hand grab me, but a soft, tender hand. “Come on, Kay, let’s go,” Harper whispers. I don’t even know if Derek left yet. I am practically getting dragged down the elevator and not long after I feel the cold wind on my shoulders again. I sense a drop of rain on my forehead, unable to see a thing, but knowing it is cloudy. The night is thundering violently down at me. Without even thinking first I break free of Harper’s grasp and run down the street. I could crash into anyone or anything in the matter of seconds. I could run straight into the busy, crowded street. And what scares me most is that I don’t care. Not even a little.

“Kaylee!” Harper yells behind me. I don’t process how long it take for her to finally catch up to me.

“What?” I yell spinning around, my eyes clouded with tears. She doesn’t say anything, stopping in her tracks. “Don’t you get it? This is my life. It’s so freakin easy for people to walk all over me. I don’t blame them! I can’t even see their goddamn faces!”

“I know,” she says sympathetically.

“No!” I shout. “No you don’t know. It’s bad enough when someone takes advantage of you like that. But-but, I had no escape route. I couldn’t even see the kid as he was . . . and if you hadn’t come . . .” Harper just sighs. “Before all this my life was far from perfect, I know that. But now even being happy seems like it is overwhelmingly impossible. There used to be at least a little bit of color in my life. When I walked out the door for school in the morning I could see the sun rising beautifully over the fence. At night I could see the sun set slowly on the other side, just fading out until darkness overtook. It made me feel at peace. But now not only do I see nothing, but I feel absolutely nothing as well.”

There is a moment of silence until I feel Harper trace my arm with her hand.

“And, and my biggest fear is that one day, I’ll just forget. I’ll forget your face, my mom’s face, my dad’s face. The way that they used to look at me. Sparks lit every time they even glanced my way for a second. And I’ll never get that back.”

“Kaylee,” Harper says turning me towards her, even though she knows I can’t see her. “Sparks are still lit every time they look your way. And you can still see them. You just aren’t trying hard enough.”

“I’m freakin blind Harper!” I yell. “It’s not about trying hard enough!”

“But they are still there. Even though you can’t see any of it, you have to realize you have so much light in your life. You’re just shutting the blinds too soon.”

“But Derek-”

“Derek is an a**,” Harper interrupts. “I’m not saying he’s alone. But he doesn’t make up the whole world. Not everyone is out to get you even though sometimes maybe it feels that way.”

How can it not feel that way? At any second someone could sneak up on me. I don’t have to go to a party and get drunk to be scared of being taken advantage of. But at the same time, Harper has a point. Things are far from perfect, especially now. And they probably won’t come close to perfect for awhile. Especially after tonight. But, I guess at some point they could be. Right?

“Do me a favor?” Harper asks.

I shrug. “Sure.” She pauses for a second and then lifts up my chin slightly. I can feel her eyes staring hopefully into my dark hopeless ones.

“Smile for me.”