My beloved subjects! Halt this erroneous execution! Listen to your majesty as he discloses to you the evilest libel in European history!

Varennes is an Austrian conspiracy – an attempt by the wicked woman Marie-Antoinette and her Austrian cousins to kidnap your king. Alas, you condemn me for treason, yet it was not your sovereign but the immigrants that compromised Versailles’s security. Have you forgotten my forbear’s sacrifice for France? Woe! Woe! Woe! What is a Bourbon but Charlemagne and the Maid of Orleans reincarnated in one? My grandfather before me had kicked the butts of many a Brit, just his grandfather before him had destroyed the Dutch and his grandfather before him had annihilated the Italians. We might have been each other’s sovereign and subject, tyrant and traitor, captive and captor, but above all, we are fellow Frenchmen – and those tea-drinking Tories, those cheese-eating clog-wogs, those garlic-bread-gorging gesticulators are not!

Heed my words, my bereted brothers! Once those foul foreigners join their compatriots of the Coalition, they will ban our baguettes, they will quash our croissants, and they will puritanize our prostitutes. The French way of life is under unprecedented threat as you spill sacred French blood for Voltaire’s feather-headed philosophy.

My striped-shirted citizens, the lies of liberty cannot liberate you; the illusions of equality cannot emancipate you; the fallacies of fraternity cannot fortify you. You need a strong man who can stand up to Britain, build a wall and let the God-prodding Purittities pay for it. You need a Bourbon.

What say ye, my fellow Frenchmen? Make me king again, and you make France great again; guillotine me, and you guillotine France. History awaits your judgment.