Being alone is not fun at all. Furthermore when your only best friend left you. Forever. It is the worst feeling ever. Like being hit? No. Stabbed? No. Being torture little by little by watching your beloved person suffer? Yes, absolutely. That was and still the feeling that I felt right now. I didn't even know the importance of something until I know that it was gone..

Flashback

Logan and I met when we were 13. He was my new neighbor at the condominium that I lived in. He was very kind. He went to the same school as me. He even sat next to me. But our personality were very different from each other so I never got the chance to talk to him. He was super popular and I was just a lonesome girl. Maybe it was my imagination but I think that Logan was trying to talk to me.

One day when the whole class were told to form groups, he patted my shoulder to say something. But then, his friends, I assume, snatched him away and talk about their new form group. To be honest, I had no friend here in school. People thought I'm a weirdo and a nerd because I always brought books with me. But I don't really care because I'm used to it and people did not teased me frequently. So I just kept my profile low to avoid making commotion.

But on this one regular day in March, something beyond my imagination happened. He talked to me. I was so confused. On that day, I was rushing to my next class because I had to meet up with my teacher to asked some question that I did not understand, and I didn't thought it would took that long. On my way to the class, I bumped onto someone, real HARD. My books went flying in the air and dropped tremendously on the floor. I quickly picked up my books while silently cursing the whole world for such a bad timing. Right then a voice interrupted my thought.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it, I swear. Sorry sorry, I will help you pick up the books," a voice of a boy could be heard. I turn to the voice to see a charming face, worried. "Oh, you.." He began smiling at me. Logan Anderson. Out of all people, why it had to be you that I bumped into? 

"No, I'm sorry," I whisper quietly, hoping that he would listen.

"No worries, anyways what is your name?" He suddenly asked while helping me picking up the books, making me startled. Why do he need to know my name?

"Uh, my name is... Lily Fritz."

"Ahhhh, so that is your name. Okay, see you next time then Lily, bye." He showed me a bright smile and waved, as he rushed away.

Ooo..kay? Weird. I look at my watch. Shoot I'm going to be late. I run, speeding up little by little and arrived in front of my class. I opened up the door, thank god the teacher didn't come yet. I quickly went to my seat and took out some books for the class. As I finished putting the books accordingly, I felt like someone was staring at me. So I look up from my table and look beside. I was shocked. Logan, who seems to be sitting next to me, was staring right at me. He noticed this and just smiled at me. I was there being speechless. I look behind me. No one. Is he smiling at me? He just kept staring with that big, charming smile of him as I look down on my table, pretending I'm doing some works.

Maybe it was my imagination. I shook of the thoughts in my mind, focusing on my studies. Not long after, the teacher came in and continued with the learning.

After the class ended, I went to my locker to put my things and just went home. Just as I was about to close my locker, someone smacked it closed. I look up to see a group of girls, crowding me. "Stay away from Logan you nerd-head. You are not worth it," Emily, the queenkas of the school, pushed my shoulder hard as I stumbled into the wall.

"I didn't do anything.." I said, in a low voice, like a whisper.

"I see it! Don't lie. You talked to Logan just now in the hallway, and suddenly Logan start smiling at you in class." Hallway? Then the dropping books incident came into my mind. That? Oh my god, she is misunderstanding things.

"Tell me!" Her voice began to sound like screaming, making everybody stared at us. I didn't like attention, so I just walked away, Before I could even walked that far, a hand grabbed me as she slapped me hard in the face. I was awestruck. What...just... Happen?

"You slut!" I closed my eyes, waiting for another slapped. I waited. I waited. But nothing came. I slowly opened my eyes to see someone back in front of me.

"You had no right to slap her! It is my decision whether I talk to her or not! So back off Emily!" I squinted my eyes to see a clearer image of the person in front of me. He suddenly turned towards me. He grabbed me by the wrist and brought me outside of the school compound. He brought me to a park and led me to a bench.

"Stay here," he quickly ran somewhere. Ten minutes later, he came back with a medical kit and an ice pack. "Put this on your cheek. I will clean up some blood on your face." He put some antiseptic on the cotton wool and was about to clean the blood that I felt dripping from the side of my lips, when I stopped him.

"Stop. You had help enough. I am thankful for your kindness. I will be going." I quickly stand up to walked away, while hiding the fact that my cheeks was still hurt from the slapped. "Please, don't go. I am the reason why you got slapped so let me help you just this once." He stopped me in my tracks, as he grabbed my wrist and stood in front of me. Suddenly, tears started to dropped and flowing from my eyes without my permission. Logan was startled. He did not expected this right? Well I'm not because I am weak. I have no one else beside myself.

"Did it hurt? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. It's just that, I wanted to help you because you seems like you had no one to help." Yeah, I had no one. Everyone left me. Going to their separate ways. That was why I refuse to interact with people. Because they are selfish.  I looked down, my fist tighten, and held my sobbing from coming out, to prevent him from hearing it.

"You know, it's okay to cry once in awhile. Don't worry, no one will judge you here," he showed me a warm smile, but somehow this guy succeed in breaking my wall of emotion, making me burst into tears. He patted my back, comforting me. "There, there. Cry all you want, I will be here," My sobbing came to a stop after several minutes. I finally calm down. "Are you okay now?" Logan asked, as he gave me a bottle of water. I smiled a bit, "Yes, thank you."

"Ah, you finally smiled. Thank god," Huh? Finally?

"By the way, Lily you are intelligent right? Can you teach me science? Because I'm a bit confused about something. So how about it?" He grinned at me as he asked.

"Uh... Sure. When and where?" I was a bit startled to know that he wanted to learn with me.
"How about tonight at your apartment? I will bring some of my mom's food too." "Okay"
"It's settles then. 8 pm at your apartment okay. Anyway, since we are going to the same way, how about, from now on, we go to school and go back home together?" He suggested. "I don't really care, it's up to you."

The next statement makes me somehow, happy. "Let's be best friend forever Lily!" He chuckled and smiled towards me. I just replied his smiled with a small laugh.

At night

My doorbell rings. I look at the clock on the wall. 8 pm, how sharp. I quickly opened the door and saw him standing there and holding books, with a big grin on his face. "What's with the smile, Logan?" I asked, letting him in, since he seems so happy.

"Because I got to spend my time learning with you and getting to know you."

"Ahem, let's proceed to study okay. Before that, let me go get something to drink and some snacks. Just sit first in the living room." I went to the kitchen, already taking out some teacups and a teapot. My apartment was not that big, it had two bedrooms, one toilet and a shower. My living room had a LCD TV that was stuck to the wall, sofa and a coffee table. When I turn around to get the snacks in the cabinet, I was startled by Logan who was sitting at the dining table, while looking at me.

"What are you looking at Logan?" I couldn't help but asked, while searching for snacks. "You" he replied simply with a smile and walked to me. "Let me help you." He took the teabag and soon began making some tea. While placing the snacks, cookies and teacups on the coffee table, he started a simple conversation.

"Where are your parents?" Well to simple that I cannot answered it.

"I live alone. Not long ago, I live with my brother." I said, rather completely normal.

"Where are your brother?" He asked.

"......h-he died in an accident 6 months ago," I stammered.

"O-oh, s-sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad. Wait, 6 months ago...," he was really panicked.

"Yeah, you just moved in next door" I speak in a soft voice.

There was a long and awkward silence erupted our surrounding. But it was interrupted when Logan decided to break it.

"You know, you can always lean on me if you want to. Besides, I'm your best friend," Logan who is embarrassed for some unknown reason, said in a low voice, that was barely could be heard but still, I can hear it loud and clear.

"Hm, I know. Thank you," when he heard that, he quickly give me a smile and hurried me to the table to start studying.

"Lily, promise me"

"What?"

"You will always be my best friend no matter what" he put up his pinky finger.

"I promise" I put up mine too, and we make a pinky promise. We laugh at how childish we looked.

Starting from that day on, he was always by my side no matter where or when. He protected me and didn't even care about his reputation that was ruined because of me. He said that nothing else matter, except for me. I was touched by that. He always brighten my day, eat lunch with me, backed me up, played with me, teased me, cared for me like a brother does. He was my everything.

 Now

Now everything changed. I'm already 18. Somehow along this past 2 years, Logan became distant. He never talked to me unless it was important. He never spent his lunch time with me, he never do anything that we do when we were kids. He always search for excuses to not meet up with me.

But I noticed something. He became more pale, day by day. He always had this bottle of medicines in his bag. One day, I was walking in the hallway when suddenly I heard someone coughing loudly. I search for the sound, and saw a guy kneeling in front of a locker. He was holding his nose. I went closer. Closer. Blood. Blood was dripping from his nose. As I was about to go help him, a girl went near him and brought him somewhere else.

I don't know why, but my heart broke when someone else, no, another GIRL, help him. I was so suffocated that I decided to go outside. Maybe it was because I didn't eat anything before. While walking outside, I see someone puking into the drain while someone is patting his back. Wait. It is Logan and that girl, what is she giving him? The girl handed him some pills. His face is more pale than before. That was the last time that I see him up close.

Right now is lunch time, I had nothing to do so I just roam around the school. As I was strolling alone at the side of the field, someone bumped into me. Déjà vu? "I'm so sorry--" i stopped and look up to see a pale face of Logan. He smiled, but not the same as usual. It was a forced smile.

I don't know how it happened but right now I'm sitting beside Logan who seems to be staring into nothingness. We were silent the whole time. It was peaceful but then I just had to ask him.

"Are you okay Logan?" I was curious about his well-being. Because I always sees him throwing up and having nosebleeds. 

"Hm, I'm fine," I can't stand this anymore. It seems like we are strangers.

"I think I better go--"

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Logan suddenly asked, as he stared at the sky.

I was silent. What did he meant by that?

He suddenly turned towards me and said, "it's like just now, we bumped into each other and you said you're sorry when it's my fault."

"What is your point here Logan?" I was getting impatient. What was he trying to say?

"The point here is that you never change. I befriend with you, with hope that you will change. But I was wrong. You are boring, ugly, imperfect and totally nerd," It felt like my whole world is breaking down.

"I got bored with you so I left you. You aren't worth my time. You are the worst girl I ever met--"

"Shut up!" I was trembling so hard, containing my rage and sadness. This isn't true.

"Can't accept the fact? Well it's the truth--"

*slaps*

I slapped him. I was holding back my tears the whole time, making sure he doesn't sees it. I don't want to hear this nonsense anymore. This is a lie.

"I hate you" I ran away. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!

That bastard is the worst guy ever. I stopped running. Soon something drop from eyes. Tears. It flows from my eyes as I began to cry. I hate you Logan, why did you have to do this to me? Then for the rest of the day, I skipped class and spent my time on the rooftop. When the schools session ends, I went back home. Since now I always go back home alone, I just walk leisurely. But then I noticed a black van followed me from the school until now. I tried walking faster when I heard footsteps nearing. Before I could run, someone knocked me out, making me unconscious.

After that

I woke up to the sound of people talking. Arghh, my head hurts. I hold my temple, as I was scanning the whole place. Where am I? The last thing that I remember was running away from the black van. I was about to stand up when I look down to see my feet and hands being tied to each other.

"Well well well, look who finally wake up. Took you long enough." The darkness spoke. Suddenly a silhouette can be seen as it came closer. The figure's face became clearer. I squint my eyes to see the face.

N-no... This is not true. No.. W-Why is h-he here?

"Shocked? I bet you would," he snickered.

"B-brother?! No... no! This is not true. I see you died in front of me in the car," I stammered.

I'm hallucinating. This is just a dream.

"Maybe I didn't and you know why I did it?" For some reason, I don't want to hear it.

"Because I hate you since we were little. You were the worst thing I ever had. You are a burdensome kid to me," he started. My heart ached. He hates me...

"So I decided to fake my death. And then I can kill you because no one would believe if someone who died will kill you, right?" He grinned creepily. He is crazy... This is not him, brother is not like this!

"Let's start by torturing you first shall we?" He took a bat and started to hit me on the leg. Blood started to drip and become numb.

"Hahahahaha" he laugh satisfied, while watching me screaming and suffering.

"Ok enough, let us put this to an end, right?" He started pulling out a gun and pointed it to me.

I was panicking. My heart beats slowly come to a fast rate. I thought I am going to die here. I am hopeless. No one is going to help me.

"Goodbye Lily. Let us meet later ok?" He smiled, while holding his gun and pointing it to me.

When he was about to shoot, I closed my eyes to feel the bullet go through me

Bang!

The sound of the gunshot. But I feel no pain. I slowly opened my eyes. What I see truly shocked me.

W-why? Why did you do it?

I looked at the figure lying lifelessly in front of me. The figure that I recently hated to see but still missing him. The figure that keep being in my mind.

My mind was blank. I cannot move. My brain cannot process the thing that just happened.

Logan!

I was dragging my body to the body lying 2 meters away from me. Blood was streaming out of him. He was pale. But he still keep smiling towards me. Brother already ran away.

As soon as I got to him, I broke down.

"Why? Why did you get in the way?! You are such an idiot!" I was crying real hard.

He keeps smiling. "If being an idiot means that I can save you, let me be one"

How can you say that when you are dying? You are stupid...

"Lily, I have something to tell you" I kept quite, signaling him to go on.

"I'm sorry if I did wrong such as hurting you. I didn't have much time either. So it is better if I can save you before I die." I was startled that I didn't even realized my sobbing become harder and louder. But he keeps smiling as if he was alright.

"Lily?"

I looked up to him.

"Thank you for giving such exciting memories. Take care, I lo..." I cannot hear the last thing that he said because he was mumbling. He closed his eyes and left the world forever.

11 months later, Lily's birthday

It has been almost 1 year since Logan left me. I decided to continue my life like normal because I know that Logan would want me to do so.  Oh, about my brother, he was captured few days after the accident.

I am now continuing my studies at a university. On my way to go home, suddenly a letter slipped out from my note book. I picked it up and was about to throw it away because it looks like a trash, but stopped when I saw the words written on it.

'To Lily'

What is this?

I opened the letter and something fell out of it.

A necklace...

I took it and started reading the letter.

'Dear Lily, how are you? I hope you are doing fine. I know by the time you read this I will not be here with you. Actually, I had bone cancer.'

I don't know how to react to this. I was slowly about to cry while reading the letter. 

'I know I should told you about this but... I'm afraid. Afraid that you will blamed yourself for something that happened to me. That is why I didn't tell you.
So that you will not worry for me because you had suffered enough and I don't want to burden you with my problem, so I decided to keep quiet. Until the time comes. Anyways, did you realize? Maybe not. It's okay if you don't but I need to tell you this. Actually I have always took care of you. You may not know this but all the time that I kept my distance with you, I have always watch over you from afar. Even though sometimes I can't help you like always, but I tried my hardest to help.'

My tears started to dropped without my permission. You idiot...

'I am so sorry for leaving you alone, I'm sorry for cursing at you, ditching you. I'm sorry for all my wrong doings. I know what I had done was unforgivable but I won't blamed you for it because it was my decision to treat you like that and I deserved it. But I just hoped to be with you right now because you keep being on my mind. Even when I was distancing myself from you, you keep on appearing on my mind but I didn't hate it. Because you know why?'

My heart keeps beating louder.

'Because I love you.'

My world seems like it is falling apart.

'I love you since the first time I saw you. I thought that it was just a temporary feeling because I started liking you when I was young. But as I grew older, my feelings for just keep growing and growing. I started to realize that I like you when you talked to me. It was the best feeling ever. But I couldn't bring myself to tell you how I felt so I just keep my feeling shut and just be a friend to you. I never knew you meant so much to me until the day that I knew I had cancer. From that day on, I keep myself away from you. And you know what I feel? I felt hurt, in pain. Not because I had cancer, but because I know one day I had to leave you and never come back. That is my worst fear of all. Losing you was my worst fear. Not seeing you was like my heart being stabbed so many times cruelly. But I know that if you do know about my condition, you would be worried sick so I kept my distance. So that you will not be curious about the changes in me.'

Why are you being an ultimate idiot? You do know that I will hate you for it...

'I know you will hate me, but if it means that I can keep you smiling. Then I will do it. I will let you hate me.'

'But Lily, I just wanted you to know that I will always watch over you no matter where you are. This is my last gift for your birthday. Today, isn't it? I hope you like it. This is all I can do. Goodbye, Lily'

I was already kneeling, crying as I hugged the letter.

You are stupid.... Stupid idiot..

I have something to tell you Logan..

I love you too, idiot....