Laying regretfully on my deathbed, enduring a terminal illness, I have a lot of time to reflect back on my accomplishments, my mistakes, even my sorrowful regrets. My life has been amazing. Wonderful family, supportive friends, loving pets… what more could I ask for? I have everything a person could ever want, but at the same time I am still unfulfilled.
Before you question me, let me explain one important lesson I wish I learned as a child. This one important lesson I wish I learned would have shaped my life - and other lives - completely different from the life I’ve had. This one important lesson I wish I learned could have made me happier - more fulfilled.
Throughout my life I have lived my life for others. Day by day, year by year, I was taught to sacrifice for others and always put other people first. However, this is not always the case. I believed disregarding my happiness for another person was perfectly normal, not taking into account how damaging it really was to me. Now don’t get me wrong - you should always live your life going out of your way for others and treating them with a great amount of respect. But after 92 years of living - almost 93 - I learned I went about it the wrong way. Instead of living my own life and experiencing its gifts, I designated my life to others, putting myself 105 steps behind everyone else. My priorities - my life dreams I’ve had since I was a young child - were suddenly placed in the back of my mind.
I regret many things. I regret letting people step on me and forgiving them, over and over again, as if it was an infinite cycle repeating in my mind. I regret allowing people back in over and over again after hurting me beyond belief, but forgiving them anyways. I regret not having my own opinion in fear of ridicule and peer-pressure. I regret living my life to other people’s standards, when in fact I really should have made my own decisions and lived for myself. I regret caring about what every single person thought of me, thinking they really cared about my shoes, my hair, my makeup. I regret always fulfilling my parents dreams over my own, fulfilling the typical standards everyone thinks is what they want, but really isn’t.
As I write this now, I realize maybe I didn’t miss out on my dreams and goals. Maybe putting others first and making them happy instead of me was my dream… and it sure was a good one.