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The Creation Of The Universe MAG
In convenient, non-compound sentence form:
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then, out from the nothing, came more nothing. Then, out of the nothing that came out of the nothing, came chaos. Then, out of the chaos, came light. Then, out of the light, came Sameold, god of wisdom. Being a very boring being, he was content with the way things were. Sometime later, out of the chaos that the light came out of, came Pent, the god of war and destruction. Pent quickly became restless having only the light, chaos, and the two nothings. He went to Sameold and demanded that he create something different.
"How could you possibly want something different!" answered Sameold, "We have the light, chaos, and two nothings! What more could one ask for?"
Pent would not hear of it. He was going to change things whether Sameold would help him or not. Pent took the chaos and the light and tossed them both into one of the nothings. The chaos and light clashed together inside the nothing, transforming the nothing into not quite nothing. Inside the not quite nothing, figures started to form. Stars, planets, Pizza Huts, and other celestial bodies formed and the gravity from the stars held everything vaguely in place. (Blow trumpets now.)
Pent then entered the not quite nothing. He went to the star in the center of the not quite nothing. The star had pulled ten planets into its gravity (each a little more tasteless than the last). Pent went to the most beautiful of the planets. On the planet, there were plants of all types (and a conveniently located Chinese food place). For a short time, Pent was happy there, but he grew bored and wanted to see destruction. He created animals and enjoyed the animals' fighting, but soon grew tired because it wasn't sufficiently brutal.
Pent decided to create an animal that was more devastating than the others. He molded figures out of sap and gave them life and intelligence. Pent called the new creations humans. The humans entertained Pent with their fighting, killing, and general havoc, but one day Sameold came to the planet to see Pent. He saw how destructive the humans were and wanted to change them. Sameold went to the outskirts where the not quite nothing resided. Out of some of the chaos and light, he formed Rid, the god of technology, and Parla, the goddess of peace.
He brought Rid and Parla to the planet. Pent fell in love with and married Parla, so he was no longer so interested in war and destruction. Rid taught the humans to be more constructive and creative. With the help of Parla and Rid, Sameold was able to restore tranquillity to the universe.
The humans eventually grew bored with no conflict. Sameold saw he had to do something before the humans started fighting among themselves again. Sameold went to the formless chaos and light and formed Clinton, god of humor. Clinton entertained the humans for a time, but the demand for him was too great and he couldn't entertain all the humans all over the planet, so the humans went back to war. After centuries of fighting that none of the gods could stop, all the humans were killed in battle.
The gods made more humans, but this time Sameold helped a little in making each human so each had at least a little wisdom. The humans created by Sameold and Rid started a line of great scientists and inventors. The humans made by Pent and Sameold became leaders and military strategists. Sameold and Parla made humans who were peace activists and conservationists. Humans made by Sameold and Clinton became comedians, complete idiots, and societal burdens.
While this was occurring, however, a new god was being formed by itself in the chaos and light. This god was called Tech. Rid was the first god to learn of Tech's formation. Rid had gone to the chaos and light to study it and found the new god there. Rid adopted him as his son. Rid hid Tech from the other gods and taught him, knowing that Tech would one day be great.
Life went on for the gods. They built themselves a magnificent city to live in heaven above what they now called Earth. Pent and Parla had offspring that the other gods married. All the gods raised families, worked on what needed to be worked on, rested, and enjoyed themselves. The goddesses would stay at home and raise the godettes and the males would do most of the other work. These arrangements worked well for a few centuries, but soon all Earth broke loose.
The goddesses realized that they were never going to amount to anything by staying home with the godettes all day. First they just argued with their husbands about it. Then, goddesses started hiring illegal aliens from Earth to watch the godettes while they were gone. The goddesses then started to organize. They held protests in the streets of the city and invented divorce. The gods eventually gave in and gave goddesses all the same rights as gods.
Then, the godettes started to rebel. They would ignore their parents and refuse to learn anything. They would imitate Clinton. They would get together for wild parties where some would do unspeakable evils, like "spin the thunderbolt." Worst of all, however, was that they revealed Sameold's secret recipe for fried chicken.
The gods and goddesses had a meeting on what to do about the godettes' behavior. Sameold suggested that the godettes should be punished for their actions. He was laughed at by the younger gods and was called a foolish old god. They said that they shouldn't punish the godettes, but learn to understand them and communicate with them. After months of failed communication, the gods met again. Instead of accepting Sameold's idea and punishing the godettes, however, they decided that there was nothing that they could do about the godettes' behavior and they were the ones who would have to change (you will see absolutely no correlation to modern day society).
Rid saw that the condition of the city was deteriorating and that the gods needed a leader. He decided to let Tech out of hiding. The other gods were terrified at the sight of Tech. They could tell he had special powers. Another meeting was called, this time to discuss Tech. Sameold told the rest of the gods that Tech should be accepted, but the young gods saw Tech as a threat. They decided to get rid of Tech whether they had the backing of the other gods or not.
A young god named Xexon came up with a plan to defeat Tech. Some of the young gods took Tech to a large star to study it. As soon as Tech came into range, a legion of gods sprang on Tech and overtook him. Xexon put Tech in chains and the young gods were about to throw Tech into the star when Tech caused a large glowing object to appear in front of them.
The light in the glowing died down and images became visible on one side of the box. Within minutes, the gods became vegetables from watching the box. Tech went back to the city. The young gods followed Tech wherever he brought the box. Sameold and Rid created a holding where they kept the young rebellious gods. They spent the rest of their existence in the holding watching the box.
Tech restored order to the city. Extensions were made to end the overcrowded conditions. Tech's powerful box was named television and Tech himself became supreme god and god of television for all time.
Tech went on to rule the city for many years. He ended up getting married to a human and they had a son named Owei. Tech then got divorced because he didn't like her onion soup. They both got joint custody of Owei, so Owei had to commute back and forth between Earth and the city every week-end, costing the space program millions. (While I'm sure there's a moral to this, it has currently slipped my mind.) 1
The Major Gods of This Myth:
Sameold: God of wisdom
Pent: God of war, husband of Parla: Goddess of peace, wife of Pent
Rid: God of technology
Tech: Ruler of the gods after defeating the young gods
Xexon: Leads young gods in attempt to destroy Tech
Special Cameo God: Clinton: God of humor.
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