Dear Brother Grayson,

My psychiatrist told me to write a letter to you after our session today. About a loved one who passed away.  When it comes down to it, the letter he wants me to write about is about loss, and you are easily the the only one I think about the most, and of course, Mom. I still haven’t finished grieving for Mom three years ago. None of us are at peace, but I hope after your fight, you are finally relaxing in Heaven with God or something. You see, i'm not sure I would have managed the last few years without you. I remember when I got so worked up about moving into a new place because I couldn't handle living with a drunkard abusive father, you called me and told me you were coming to help me out. I really did appreciate that, and im sorry for not showing that I really did appreciate it.

And how could I forget the one time you helped me sneak out to that party dad didn't let me go to. I remember begging him to go to Phoenix's party, the girl you always told me to ask out, and I did. The girl I always talked to you about 24/7 and expected you to give me advice on how to ask her out, and without a single doubt in the world, you gave me some of the best advice. I never really got to thank you for that, so thank you. I just wish that you came to that party with me. You should have been there, there were acrobats flying all over the place, and God knows how much you’ve been begging dad to let you see some of those. He doesn't let us, or me, do anything, except of course, handing him the remote control or handing him the usual five bottles of Corona. Despite having to deal with this father, you somehow always managed to make my days brighter with every moment you were with me. I wasn't intending for this letter to be all sentimental or anything, but I just can’t seem to let you go. You were always there to cheer up my darker days with your happiness and humour. Remember when I dared you to scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of the mall? Oh my God that was hilarious! We were practically laughing all the way back to our favorite gas station where we always met up with a couple of your buddies.

I wanted to share something with you in this letter. I do have a regret. A really big regret. I regret that I didn’t show up at your worst when you needed help, I regret only seeing you when I needed help. I regret that I wasnt the one to make you laugh or smile or help you out when you didn't get accepted to the high school you wanted. I wonder sometimes, if i had been a better brother, would I have been able to change your mind about harming yourself and giving you a better life? I was a coward by the end, I didn't want to show my face to anyone because I know what they thought. People, neighbors, family, friends, they all thought that I had something to do with you committing suicide. They always saw us together, wherever I was, you were there with me. I should have just put up with it all just to have had a chance to say good-bye. I never imagined that I would lose you, that there would come a miserable time when you wouldnt be in my life. I shouldn’t have lived as though you were eternal, because you werent.
I would’ve never imagined me standing over you three hours ago, watching your harmed body. I stood there, trying to imagine your smile that always brought me joy.  And in that very moment, I prayed. I prayed that I would hear one more laugh, one more smile, one more hug, just one more breath. I never did.  Since I never got to say this personally, goodbye Grayson. Thank you for everything you gave me while you were alive. As much as I want you back, I know there is nothing I can do about it now.
With all my love,
Reed

P.S. im writing this on our favorite spot.