Once upon a time, there was a little fish named Dennis. Dennis was raised from guppy to flounder in the grime-caked, algae covered walls of a Wal*Mart fish tank. Dennis was malnourished, sometimes feeding off the flesh of his siblings who were unfortunate enough to meet their demise by fault of irresponsible caretakers who starved them. One day, Dennis realized he did not want to end up like his brothers and sisters that gurgled in his stomach. So he devised a clever plan- an idea so foolproof that he shivered with giddiness at the idea of it’s execution. Dennis was going to eat all of the other fish! That way, the next time a customer was in need, he would be the only one left! The employees would be forced to sell him! Dennis dreamt of and prayed for such an opportunity. And slowly, day by day, the population of that filthy Wal*Mart fish tank diminished until one, fat fish was left, wiggling through the slimy water.
Dennis was intoxicated with excitement. And the moment little Timmy Johnson walked down the pet food aisle, and looked with amazement toward the aquarium, Dennis knew this was the day. He would be free of the turmoil of a miserable, starving existence! He would soon have a home. Of course, after much toddler persuasion, and one too many crocodile tears, Mrs. Johnson gave into her son. “We’ll take him,” said the woman to the pimple-faced fish keeper, pointing directly at Dennis. Agonizingly, Dennis watched the net loom above him, closing in around his fat sides. He fought the urge to escape and kept still, knowing he would soon be free. The net was lowered into a plastic tie bag and Dennis was released. The last thing Dennis ever saw was Timmy Johnson’s beady little eyes, mocking him. As the child took the bag, cooed “Fishy”, and shook and shook until ’Fishy’ was merely just ‘Floaty’…