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Memoir of a Pirate
Ye may not realize the hardship that a pirate must go through during life on a ship. It ain’t just about pillaging from the rich and spendin’ it all on beer and rum. There are many dangers on the open ocean. I know this ‘cause I used to be Capn’ of a ship that sailed the American Main. Me crew would fire our cannons on all who dared to threaten us. Of course the ship was not always mine; there was a Cap’n before meself.
Five Fingered Steve be the name of the original Cap’n. He acquired this name after a terrible gun loadin’ accident. With two fingers on his left hand, and three on his right, he commanded the ship with excellence, constantly steering us in the wrong direction.
Cap’n Steve gave the ship sails that ye might not see on common ships. They were a deep red-purple as if they were soaked in wine and then hung on the ship’s mast to dry. The Jolly Roger that flew above was black with a white hand that held a bottle pourin’ what was most likely rum into the mouth of a skull that had a look on its face that suggested that it was hung-over. The ship he named the Slurring Drunkman after his favorite state of being, lyin’ passed out on the deck with a bottle of Nelson’s Folly in hand.
Me bein’ his first mate, I was givin’ the ship when Cap’n Steve decided that he would retire on a remote island off the coast of Cuba and start a rummery. His wishes never came true ‘cause of that fifth gun loadin’ accident where he looked down the barrel of a gun. He couldn’t remember if he had loaded it. He had.
Takin’ me place at the helm I had been branded Four Eyed Jane ‘cause of me specs that I wore ‘cause of me vision, which is like trying to see while lard rains from the sky. I wore a tricorn hat and a long gray jacket that hung down to the top of me dirty black boots, the one’s I stole from that merchant. Me parrot, Lil’ Jimmy, would always sit upon me shoulder. Poor little bugger was a rugged red and blue with one bulgin’ eye and only two toes on his right foot.
Lil’ Jimmy was a fierce bird that would always be flyin’ overboard to catch fish, ‘cause he didn’t want to eat the hardtack biscuits. Though he loved the tasty taste of fish, his favorites were bugs. The speed and swift movements that they would make is what attracted him to the game. There was one bug that he was never able to catch, the buckeye butterfly. Its quick actions made it impossible to take hold of. Its wings were black and had on each a small brown and black circle. Lil’ Jimmy was always on the look out, but it wasn’t until a storm that he finally got what he wanted.
It was raining hard on a dark night. The only light was coming from the lightnin’ that flashed and the lanterns that were burning fear rather than oil. The boat rocked violently back and forth as waves crashed onto the deck. The floor was slippery from all the salt water that washed aboard. Everyone was running franticly around in order to keep the ship from breaking into pieces from the force of the waves, or from tipping from the strength of the wind that would not catch in the sails.
Lil’ Jimmy was sittin’ on me shoulder as I raced around bellowin’ orders to me crew. It wasn’t until I saw a huge wave in the distance that I began to really worry. It was nearly ten feet tall and it was heading for the side of the ship, the mates was in a panic, not sure if the wave would tip the ship over. I shouted orders to turn the ship so that we would ride with the wave and not against it. The wave barely hit us, it died before it reached the ship, but I was thrown to me back after slipping on a squid.
Lil’ Jimmy had flown off me shoulder the moment he felt me lose balance. While fallin’, me specticals flew off me face, and slid across the deck. As I sat up again, he came back to take his place on me arm. Lungin’ his beak at a round brown and black thing, that bloody bird gouged out me left eye. As the storm began to clear, and the birds that were in hidin’ came back out to sing their song, I lay on the deck rolling around yellin’ about me eye. That night as the crew devoured a strange tasting fowl, they noticed that Lil’ Jimmy was no longer sittin’ on me shoulder.
Me missing left eye had to be covered with a black patch, which was nothing more than a piece of fabric and a string which held it to me head. In me right I was required to wear a monocle for me vision and it was ‘cause of this that I was no longer known as Four Eyes, but was now called Two Eyed Jane. I became extremely feared as a Scourge of the Seven Seas. For years, when anyone would hear the name of me ship, The Slurring Drunkman, fear would be instilled into their minds.
This fear came from me crew and I when we would stumble through the towns along the coast firing at random, and shouting, “Pie! Rat!” (For some reason it always sounded funnier when we were drunk.) We would shoot any unfocused figure that crossed our path, and anything shiny would become our booty. We eventually became well known after the Bonbon Heist of 1732. Those orphans never stood a chance against me crew.
Bonbons had become our ultimate treasure. The addictin’ sugary goodness that it provided was overwhelmin’ to me, to the point that it had become all I could think about, all that I forced me men to find. I just needed a bigger booty! The crew suggested that I go to BM (Bonbon Monotonous), an anonymous meeting where people like me self talk about our addictions. It was ‘cause of this that the crew mutinied upon me nine times over the six years that the ship was mine. They had realized that the bonbons were not shiny, and therefore, not money. During the tenth mutiny I willin’ly gave up me ship with a gun pointed at me head. I’m now livin’ me life, upon a beach. I am sendin’ this to ye in a bottle; if ye find this please sends me a search party, I’m low on rum.