I want to scream until I don’t have a voice anymore. I want to punch a wall until my hand is broken. I want to hurt someone without hurting them. I want to be able to express my feelings without being judged. I want someone to listen to me when I’m not talking. I want someone to hear my cries for help even when I’m not saying anything. I want someone to care for me without me having to beg for them to care. I want someone to stay without begging them. I want things that aren’t possible in this world and in this timeline. I want love without having to ask for it. I want someone to hug me when they know I’m not okay. I want things that I shouldn’t have to ask for, but I still do. I wanted parents that didn’t scream at the top of their lungs at each other all the time, I wanted siblings that didn’t hate me, I wanted to not be abandoned, I wanted to be loved even when I’m at my lowest. I want someone to care without asking.  If physical pain were an option I would take it, but it's not. I must stay clean, and not just for myself this time. I must do it for them. I must do it for my siblings, my mom, my step-dad, and what little friends I do have. If pain were an option, I would take it but it's not.

    I must keep fighting for what is right. What I think and feel is right. People aren’t always going to agree with my opinions and that’s okay, but I must accept that. Nothing is better than pain whether physical, mental, or emotional pain it’s all the same. Family members like to tell me I’m too much or I’m overreacting to certain situations but I’m not, they just don’t like how I am or how I feel and frankly I don’t like their ways or how they think much either. If pain were an option, I would take it. Sometimes you can’t take the opportunities that are presented to you because it’s just not what the mind or even the heart wants. I could go on and on or I can tell you that pain is something that everyone wants to feel at least once in their life. And some people wonder why other people want to feel pain, it’s because when feeling numb it sucks because all you want to do is feel something and you can’t because well, you’re numb. The numb feeling is like your grandma or someone close to you dying and you not feeling anything, you’re just there. And when you’re numb you want to feel pain even when you can’t. It takes over your life sometimes. Other times some people can’t get their lives back. They are numb forever or at least they feel like they are. Pain is pain and feeling it is what some people want at least once in their life. So if pain were an option, I would take it.