Title: Friend Interviews

Type: Email

Email Address: ********

Dear Mother,

Hello, Mother! I’m kinda running low on friends these days after that incident with the burning goat in the school gym. As you know, I used to be in the super popular clique so I live on having a lot of friends. So I’m doing something genius called a ‘Friend Interview’. It’s kind of the same thing as college applications except better! I’m writing this letter just in case it fails spectacularly and we’d have to move on to plan B. Enjoy! The people I’m supposed to be interviewing today are Madelina, James, and Evelyn. I hope I get some new fans–I mean, friends today!

Madelina(clutching her handbag nervously): Hi…I’m just…so starstruck…

Me(smiling broadly, thinking, no, knowing that she was the one): Yeah, I know that I’m so popular and sweet and all of those good adjectives.

Madelina(glancing at her reflection in her hand mirror): No…I meant that I was starstruck…by me. I’m just so..beautiful. Don’t you think?

Me(crushing the water bottle that I was holding in my hand): No. We’re here to talk about me, you self-obsessed, vain girl!”

Madelina(staring at me like I said something crazy): Why on earth would I talk about you? You talk about yourself enough. You don’t need more admiration.

Me(practically growling): Let’s ignore that part of it. Can you cheer?

Madelina: Yeah, I cheer for my friends all the time.

Me: No, I meant as a sport. We all know that only cheerleaders are in the popular clique.

Madelina: Why? That’s a stupid stereotype.

Me: No it isn’t. It’s, like, literally the rule number one of popularity.

Madelina: I don’t cheer and I have plenty of friends.

Me(sniffing): Well, maybe you have a lot of friends but you’re not popular.

Madelina(gasped with surprise): I have plenty of friends.

Me: Yeah, you already said that.

Madelina(getting up): I’m not hanging out with someone like you anymore.

Yeah, she wasn’t going to work from the start. Let’s move on, shall we?

James(trying to be suave. Emphasis on trying to be): Well hello there, uh, what’s your name again?

Me: You don’t even know my name?

James(shifting uncomfortably in his seat): I didn’t think that it would be a necessity for this interview.

Me(sighing): Why are you even here? You’re not even a girl.

James(angrily): Why does it matter that I’m a boy? I can gossip as girls do too!

Me: I know, but—

James(storming out): You’re such a jerk! I can’t believe that I had a crush on you! You don’t deserve it!

I’m seriously considering shutting down the whole interview program now. I’ll never find a friend.

Evelyn(cheerfully): Hello!

Me: First things first, do you cheer?

Evelyn: I sure do!

Me(raising an eyebrow, surprised): Oh really? That’s delightful. How much gossip do you do in a week?

Evelyn(laughs): I gossip so much that I can’t keep track!

Me(starting to think that I found my soul friend): Lastly, are you a leader or a follower?

Evelyn: Obviously a leader!

Me(turning cold): You may go now.

Evelyn: Why? We were just starting to become good friends! That’s not fair!

Me(storming out and slamming the door on Evelyn’s face): You’re supposed to be following me not me following you!

I should’ve never set the goat on fire. I had plenty of fans before that. Now I’m a nobody. I’d better just transfer schools, Mother.

—Your daughter who wants to desperately transfer schools, maybe even countries.