Homicides, burglaries, and bullying. Who are the culprits? The naked mole rats. It’s shocking that these lovable hairless animals are to blame, but because they are the choice pet in homes, people are losing their ethics. These animals have a newly discovered disease which spreads rampant like rabies. This disease does not yet have a proper name, but researchers have taken to calling it the “naked mole symptom.”

The leaders of the naked mole rats are admonishing their minions to bit the humans as often as possible, to ensure humans are affected by this disease. Merely four hours after a human has been bitten, a flagrant change in behavior will be evident. The affected person will then be under duress by the naked mole rat and have and urge for mischief.

In one case, and elderly woman named Shirley Sardue punched a young boy (name not released) in the face and kicked him seven times in the stomach when he asked for a cookie. Sardue’s husband claimed she had a sweet and loving personality, and often baked for the children in the neighborhood. Neighbors concur.

In another case, a six-year-old girl named Jennifer shot and attempted to kill her father. Jennifer’s mother died giving birth to her. The father has not remarried, so Jennifer and her father were close.

Scientists are working on a cure for this strange and terrifying disease, but until they find one, the affected people are inexorable and cannot be stopped. Until now, these inane naked mole rats have led a clandestine operation. Humane Societies across the country are now trying to locate and contain naked mole rats to stop this spread of crime, and police are doing their best to remain on the watch for diseased humans.