For the nth time, I felt like I was spinning out of control. I’d been so used to bottling up my feelings and trying to sort them into neatly wrapped little packages with color-coordinated bows that never really seemed to fit. Depression, they called it. Exhaustion. Teenage angst. But all I knew what that I was unhappy and didn’t know how to deal with it.

My first big breakdown came from my director casting all of her anger and despair at her mother suddenly dying rapidly of cancer onto her cast; onto me. It was distressing as a perfectionist, that no matter how much work and energy I threw into the show, it just couldn’t seem to make a positive impact. After the show and extreme frustration, I finally broke down.

For weeks, I drew into myself, becoming a complete loner, hiding in the bathroom, sobbing, and feeling worthless. I didn’t know what to do or who to tell, but I eventually told my mom when my thoughts turned suicidal. I wasn’t going to turn to marijuana or alcohol or sex to escape the pain. I wanted help.

Soon after, I started (psychodynamic) therapy, and felt a little better for a short time. I was trying to reign in my perfectionist qualities. I felt more in control. Then, for other reasons, I had my blood tested, and found out that I suffered from a type of Hypothyroidism that caused depression, among a plethora of other seemingly unrelated symptoms. I feel justified, but not better, since I wasn’t allowed to get on medication until my growing stopped, which meant mid-twenties.

Then my brother got sick. Anorexia. It broke my heart-- both from watching him battle the awful disease to the insults and anger he hurled at all of us because of his own pain. I tried my best not to take it personally, but I did. I did. And the pain returned in full force, throwing me into despair.

Finally, I couldn’t take it. After being yelled at repeatedly for minute details and scorned for a long list of small mistakes, I threw down my napkin at dinner and announced that I was going for a walk. I was done. I grabbed a sweater and tried not to run the two blocks to my old elementary school. The sun was just going down, but orange fire still burned off in the distance. I made it to my place of old habits--the sit-and-spin--before the tears took over. Heart-wrenching, body-shaking sobs wrought through me, and I hugged my old metal friend to my chest, weeping. Hopeless inside, I let it all out, as darkness took over the cheery playground. My breathing slowed, and I spun side to side a bit, feeling drained. Blue became dark blue became pitch black as the last traces of sunlight slithered below the horizon. I watched it, feeling my emotions slide away.

I looked around the small park that had once seemed gargantuan. The mite-sized furnishings looked almost comical now. A dome of monkey bars sat in the corner of the small space, and I dragged myself up from my comfortable spot to explore a childhood haunt. Climbing up in three steps what used to take me many more, I reached what would have been the eye of the dome. I sat on the top, making sure I wasn’t so big as to break the thing, then slowly laid down. My limbs spread out, stretching, my chest felt open, hungrily sucking in cool night air. Simultaneously I felt vulnerable and powerful. Free.

As I looked up, the first star of the night winked into the sky. The yellowish pin-point of light blinked and sputtered, but remained present. I realized that I wanted to be like that star. Even if I wasn’t always able to be out, I would try my hardest to be my best and brightest when I was. Other stars joined the first, and soon a frenzy of little lights erupted in the sky, illuminating the gloom. A calm settled over me. I felt empowered, like I could tackle anything, yet I lay exposed in the realm of my childhood where I felt the most innocent. The spinning inside of me seemed to slow, and then halt, as if in awe of the light I had found. Then it began again, but in sync with the tilting of the stars, the universe as they spun into one being to survive as a universe. I smiled to myself and laid there until I felt as if I glowed like the night sky.