It shook me to my foundation. I just start sobbing out of nowhere and I don’t know why.Then I remember my family is gone.My family is dead.After so many years of marriage,it was a shock.My entire life past and present and present changed in an instant.I didn’t know who i was anymore.Has our whole family life together been all smoke and mirrors.I have been questioning my ability to have a good relationship in the long term and that is causing my husband and me a lot of problems.I think he deserves a better woman than me.I felt homeless.They were the perfect couple.We were the perfect family.After thirty years… Why divorce now?It has hit me really hard.I have been drinking too much and just don’t care about anything any more.My dad let Mom for one of his students.

I’ve lost a lot of weight and am having trouble sleeping.My wife and Mom are worried about me.I’m afraid I will become just like Dad have an affair and leave my marriage.I just keep hearing in my head ‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.Am I doomed to become like him.Mom wants me to meet her new boyfriend but that would feel creepy to me.It feels like the rock that was my family has been sucked into an earthquake fault.There is a silent revolution that is changing the American family and families across the world.It is already affecting families up to three or four generations and it has been unfolding without much comment for more than twenty-five years.More couples are divorcing later in life a trend dubbed the divorce revolution.While copying mistakes.They don’t see what is happening until it’s too late to undo the damage.Among the commonly recognized casualties of a divorce besides the minor children extended family members and mutual friends of the couple who may be recruited to take sides there is a seldom acknowledged group of family members who is expected to roll with it shake it off and get on with their lives as if it is just one of those thing and you’ll get over it and adjust types of experiences.Their voices open this chapter.Theses are the family members that we highlight in this book so their pain is validated and understood and they can find pathways to hope and healing.They are the adult children of gray divorce.They are men and women.

Their ages range from eighteen to fifty.They are single;they are married.They may have children of their own.These forgotten adult children often say that whenever they express their emotional concerns and experiences the most important people in their lives frequently ignore and dismiss them.While it is true that each divorce is different because the people and different circumstances vary and the specifics are unique to each family. Some things are common in all of them.Divorce brings with it myriad changes and emotions, including shock, fear, disappointment, loss, pain, anger, and sadness. Emotions in divorce are especially powerful. When we experience intense emotions, and especially when we act out of anger, fear, or anxiety, it is easy to overlook or forget our most important values and concerns. By the time we are able to right ourselves emotionally and notice how our words, decisions, and actions have affected others, damage has al-ready been done.In most jurisdictions, there are four ways to divorce do-it-yourself,mediation, collaboration, or litigation. Whatever way the couple chooses, divorce has two tracks-the business track and the emotional track. The catch is that these tracks are always operating simultaneously. This means that couples cannot simply address one track and then the other track sequentially. The tracks are inter- twined. Even in the more peaceful divorce processes such as do-it- yourself, mediation, and collaboration, if couples do not effectively address the emotional track it can easily knock the business track off the course.When this happens, damage to the family, including the children (both minor and adult), is almost guaranteed. It is also costlier in money and time. And, of course, in litigation, the most adversarial choice, failure to address the emotional aspects can create astronomical financial costs, even to the point of potentially bankrupting a family.

There are also well-known health risks to litigation such as symptoms of posttraumatic stress and, in some cases, even physical illness. For example, in a study of physicians involved in malprac-Twice litigation, most physicians reported symptoms of depression and many developed physical illnesses related to stress, including those who were actually successful in defending themselves. Their Adult Children did not matter in their divorce. Brian says he now realizes how wrong he was and that he understands that Adult Children do matter because they can be stakeholders in their par- ents' divorce, and because their parents are modeling for them adult problem solving.To what degree their parents' divorce impacts the Adult Chil-dren's emotional lives, their relationships,and possibly their fi-nances depends on what their parents' agreements are and how they reach them. The more pain, conflict, and anger their parents experi-ence, the more impact there will be in all areas of the Adult Children's lives. When going through divorce, many parents of Adult Children have wisely said to us,"If my kids aren't okay, I won't be okay.”Brian also says that he now understands why the parents were so quick to accept the absurd notion that there was no need to be concerned about their Adult Children. He realizes that parents want to believe their children, both minor and adult, will be okay, so they are happy to believe that they don't need to worry about them. After all, what parent doesn't want to believe that their children will be alright in the end? And, during a divorce, most couples already have so much to worry about it can be a relief to be assured that worrying about their Adult Children's welfare is not something they need to think about.These parents divorce has on Adult Children whose own children look forward to being with their grandparents together during important family traditions and holidays. Those grandparents may play significant relational roles in their grandchildren's lives. In addition, we should not overlook that Adult Children who have achieved independent lives, married or not, with or without children, will be emotionally impacted, as they find themselves confused and conflicted when suddenly dealing with urgent and ongoing questions. Common examples are how to be supportive to one parent while feeling to help emotionally.

 In addition, when the divorce creates financial need, Adult Children experiencing parental divorce may question whether or how to help one or both parents while feeling hurt or loyalty and connection to the other, or feeling angry, or hurt, or stuck in the middle while resenting a parent they also feel obligated to help emotionally. In addition, when the divorce creates financial need, Adult Children experiencing parental divorce may question whether or how to help one or both parents.The idea of a parent dating or remarrying is also a common worry for Adult Children of divorcing parents. For some Adult Children, the specifics are already clearly in place if one parent was in a secret relationship or quickly jumps into a new relationship. The reality of having to consider the new significant other's children living as a family with his or her parents.Every stage of life is a time of acquiring new and more effective skills. At first, we are not very good at the newly acquired skills, no matter how much we want to master them. Think of learning a new skill, such as learning to drive. The intention is clear, but still, it can be difficult for a longer time than we had hoped. Struggling with new and essential life skills can cause anxiety, even under the best circumstances.A young adult who is in the early stages of transitioning to becoming an independent adult has different challenges than an older adult child who has completed that process. She is still learning all of the practical skills she will require, such as learning how to support herself, managing finances, engaging in and building new social networks, and focusing on herself while enjoying the protection of the family relationships she has depended on her entire life.Divorce disrupts this process while at the same time creating anintense focus on the parents' needs. Until the divorce, the AdultChild of divorcing parents naturally expected and counted on support from her parents as she navigated each stage of her growth.

Now, just as that support is falling away, she can find herself under pressure to provide emotional or financial support for one or both parents.While she is coping with the losses ensuing from her parents' separation and divorce, at the same time, she may have also lost some or all of their support and guidance. These disruptions can cripple her ability to complete certain stages of development needed to become a successful adult. Of course, this will rarely be identified, much less understood, while it's happening. As the most dependable and familiar parts of her life disintegrate, feelings of confusion and shock create a general sense of not being grounded Again, this experience seems similar to the death of someone who has always been in her life. Major landmarks of her life, a family structure that "just is and parental reassurance about who she is and where she belongs have vanished. 

She realizes that the life she learned to trust and depend on is no longer there.It is common for her to have feelings of being abandoned and lost.She may not be able to name what she is feeling. She may feel afraid, angry, betrayed, and abandoned. These feelings create anxiety and can erode her previous sense of security and confidence in her present and future life. For someone who has enjoyed dedicated parental support, it can all feel devastating. There are now many  things to figure out without enough life experience to do so and her support system now requires more support from her than ever before, while at the same time, it is offering less to her.It should not be surprising if she really doesn't feel okay.An older Adult Child can find himself reevaluating his history.

His family had simply"been there" his entire life. Before he was born, they were there. Of course, during his life there have been ups and downs, but he accepted his parents always being married with the same sense of certainty as the sun setting at night and rising in in the morning. The idea that his family could just "be gone" never entered his mind. If he has children and they have relationships with the grandparents, his parents' divorce can change everything. It can seem surreal even if he sometimes thought his parents fought too much and should get divorced. Many Adult Children living through their parents' divorce report that the reality of living through it is much different and more difficult than the imagined event.

Suddenly there are new demands to support one or both parents emotionally and possibly financially as well. There is a change in how he overthinks his parents. If sides are taken, conflicts with his brothers and sisters can emerge or increase. He may start questioning the permanence of his own marriage and worrying about how .This uncertainty can affect his children. These are not minor concerns that are easily shaken off. In addition, he may be feeling a responsibility to support a parent who is depressed, hopeless, and angry. Under the weight of these new demands, he can believe that.