As I stroke the paper with my pencil lost in thought. Not thinking about what I draw, just doing it. I realize as I get out of this daze that I've drawn the person I'm attracted to. I have put down the soft jaw, the beautiful eyes, the everything about this person. I hoped not to do this being that this person isn't attracted to me but I guess I can't help it. Doesn't help that I've seen this person everywhere because we go to the same school. The only class we don't have together is art. The only reason why He hasn't seen my art yet. I try my hardest to not get carried away in the drawing but I get distracted and continue while not paying attention to the details of my drawing. I'm listening to music as well. My art teacher is the only one who allows us to play music in class. Not aloud, but at least I'm able to listen to music and get lost in thought. She does play some light piano for the people that didn't bring headphones. Sometimes there is no reason to because the only class where you can use them is this one. Sometimes it's the only way for me to draw because if I'm able to think while I'm drawing I end up drawing what my subconscious wants to draw. After art class I have lunch, usually, I'll just continue my drawing. I realize though as the bell goes off I'm finishing up the drawing. It looks really good, though I don't why I'm able to get this lost in thought and draw. It's something I've been able to do even as a kid. 

My dad says it's fascinating while my mom says she doesn't want me to get so carried away while drawing while doing anything. I sometimes wish she'd let me. Sometimes I think the reason why she's like this is because I came out to her and dad. She didn't seem okay with gay people like that, but dad was. I wonder how they've been able to stay together this long being that dad told me he was questioning as a youngin' as well. His words, not mine. He told me he thought he had a crush on this boy, he never really thought about it until I said I was gay. I guess he never had a huge reason to think about it. I just wonder what my mom would think if he told her that. I hope he does soon, so my dad can realize how much of a bigot she is.  My dad has always been tough. So it doesn't surprise me that my mom doesn't deserve him. Honestly, if my mom decided to leave, I don't know if we'd be too affected by it. My dad makes a bunch of money. My dad hasn't had the same spark in his eyes that he had when I was a kid.

I go to have lunch as I realize I'm still sitting here. Before I leave I put my name at the bottom signing, Milos Rivera. My art teacher loves my art so she comes up to me and grabs my art. As the art is for this class. After she grades it she gives it back, she never really liked taking our art away. So she figures the least she can do is give it back. She's told me as much. For no reason though she has the picture along with some of my other drawings. Sometimes I'll have lunch here but I figure since it's spring I might as well enjoy the weather. I go to sit under the tree and I see someone there. Of course, it has to be my crush. I still can't believe how beautiful he is. I figure enough is enough, I'm tired of pretending around him. I know it might seem like it's too much but I've been crushing on him for around a month. I'm not usually shy around people but I guess we all have that person that makes us change around them. 

I also couldn't care less what people think about me. I guess you would consider me a "bad boy", but I mean all I'm doing is treating the people who are mean like how they should be treated. Then the nice people, and most of the time less popular, I treat them nicely. If they wanted to switch up and be mean then I'd do the same to them. Yea, I guess I wear black, but I mean that shouldn’t be all that is required to be a bad boy. It's not like I don't care about school, I mean not to brag but I have a 3.7. Not going to say I have a 4.0 because that's too much work, even for me. I will admit why I do so well in school. So that my mom doesn't complain about it. 

I go up to the tree that I usually sit at and sit by him. I say "usually there aren't other people here, although out of all of the people at this school I don't mind you being in this spot." I don't know why I said that but I did and I can't take it back. I also don't have many friends except for my childhood best friend. We've been attached to the hip since like 4, or 5.  He says " do you even know my name?" I say "yeah, you're Desi Moore." I know that I'm not wrong by his reaction, not expecting me to know his name. Then he says " how do you know my name?" I say "I know your name because we go to the same school and have all the same classes except art." Not telling him the reason why I know his name is because I started crushing on him and asked one of the teachers for his name. Being kinda ashamed that I didn't pay attention when we had attendance every morning. Only realizing my name was called, sometimes, after the second time of saying it. He says "Oh. I guess that makes sense." 

Then after that, we kinda fall into silence, and I continue drawing. When I said that I was tired of pretending I guess I meant I was going to talk to him because I didn't say anything else. I guess though it's better to get to know him better before telling him that I saw him in class and couldn't believe how pretty he was. I saw him trying to look at what I was drawing without letting me know. When you're this close to someone it's very hard not to notice someone looking at you or over your shoulder. So because I'm not drawing him, I show him. I was drawing a butterfly where one of the wings was made out of flowers. He says "sorry, I didn't mean to look, I just caught a glimpse and wasn't able to see the full thing." I say it's fine, be lucky I wasn't drawing what I usually draw." Letting him try to fill in the blanks was hilarious. Only because it could be something as simple as drawing people or it could be drawing explicit drawings, and sometimes the two coincide. 

It looked like he blushed for a moment and I wonder if he seriously was thinking about me drawing explicit things. I mean I might but him coming to that conclusion was so adorable because of the look on his face. He asked, " What kinda things do you normally draw?" I try to come up with an answer that doesn't include him. So I say" I draw people, In the simplest terms. I draw whatever I desire at that moment. Mainly though it's been a person I have a crush on. If you want you can see it in the art room, during lunch or something. Probably have to be tomorrow though because we have to go back to class soon." I have a hard time not saying that I draw him, whether it's his face or how I'd imagine him naked. I've never kept my mouth shut this much. The bell for our next class rings and we walk together because we have every other class but art together. He says "Ok, I will. I'll look at who you're drawing tomorrow." I kinda regret the words that come out of my mouth sometimes because my teacher won't be done grading that one picture of him. Plus there are some that I've let my art teacher keep because she said they were nice. I already have a lot of drawings for the mockup of my art portfolio. I say " Ok. I'll show you my drawings. I'm in the art room before lunch so we can just meet up there." With that we go into class and yeah I should be paying attention to class but I'm not able to when I'm about to show my crush pictures of himself.

It was the next day. I have no idea why I opened my big blabbermouth. I do wish I hadn't said anything but I already agreed and I didn't want to go back on my word. As much as I didn't want him to see the pictures. I also knew that at least they were none of him naked that would be even worse. If he goes to my house though it's a whole 'nother thing. All the pictures of him are, in some form, explicit. Although my family doesn't find it, I keep it in my backpack. I honestly could care less if someone else finds them though. What are they gonna do to me? Enough stalling though, I wish I could cancel this though. I understand how I can go from being mean to most people because they're the way I am around Desi. I hope he reacts well to me drawing him. If not then at least he knows I'm attracted to him. I hope at least I can explain I'm attracted to him, not that I'm some kind of creep. 

Well, it was about that time. I don't know why But I decided to draw another picture of him. I can't tell if I started while I was lost in thought or if I decided to take another picture of him. What I can tell you though Is that every time I draw him I'm able to get more lost in thought than when I drew my other drawings. I've also never had a crash this bad, maybe if I hadn't already come out to myself this would be difficult.  Though because I have I don't have a reason to be apprehensive about liking him. The bell for lunch goes off. I see My teacher coming over to collect my picture. I sign my name And give it to her. I told her that I had someone that wanted to look at my work so before we went to lunch we were going to do that. She's never had a problem with me or anyone else in this class showing off their art. She says cool, almost like I didn't need to say that or something, and walks off. 

I see Desi walking in the hall in this direction. I prepare by fiddling, never done that before. Anyway, Desi walks into the room. My art teacher has done this before with others. So she hands me my art, and I go through it, not even remembering some of it, set these on the table, Desi and I It down, and he looks through them. He doesn't show a reaction until he gets to the pictures of him. I kinda moved them to the bottom so he wouldn't look at them until he looked at everything else. I also drew a couple of pictures of Esha, My friend but not nearly as many as to how much I drew of Desi. I only had a crush on him for a month or realized it a month ago. I might've been crushing on him longer than that but only noticed it at that time. It didn't seem like he found it creepy. Only saying that because he had a smile on his face after the slight shock. He seemed more shocked than anything so I thought that was a bad thing. Though because he has a smile on his face I figured that the reaction he will have won't be that bad. When he's done looking through the pictures All he says Is " can I keep one of these pictures." Curse him for being adorable. I tell him " Yeah. Just let me know what one you want because I gave those to my teacher, I could give one that I have in my backpack. Or even make a new one for you." Damn, why'd I said that knowing that those pictures are of him naked? 

Well, either way, we have to have some lunch so I just tell him, " hey let's get some lunch." We got some lunch from the cafeteria. After doing so we go to the tree and sit under it. It's so sunny out today. I let Desi sit down first, and then sit close to him but not too close. If that makes much sense. I'm trying to be conscious of how I act around Him. I'm sure he heard all the things that people have said about me. He doesn't seem like he'd care about other people but at the same time, it's hard not to believe the things people say sometimes. 

The lunch is okay I guess. Usually, I pack some lunch. I forgot about him because I was worried Desi would react badly to me drawing pictures of him. I just ate the weird concoction that we were given for lunch. I probably seem like I'm being dramatic, I wish I was. I mean I usually am but right now the lunch looks like some weird goo. You know what, I'm not going to eat this. I just have the little granola, muffin, and milk they give us. I see that Desi does the same thing. We both just have mediocre lunches. 

Hopefully one of these days I can take Desi out and buy him all the food he wants, even if I don't have the money. Although I always seem to have the money for my art supplies so I guess if I get a little bit less than I usually do it shouldn't take me that much to make up some money to take him out.  Plus I still have some art supplies saved up, because I don't want to run out. We don't have lunch so we finish our lunch in like 10 minutes. We have an hour for our lunch. We spent about 20 minutes in the art class. So we still have about 30 minutes. We are in the same year so at least lunch isn't the only time we see each other. Just the only time we can talk to each other unless we work together on our work in class. 

So we just end up talking. Desi starts the conversation by saying " hey I was wondering if I would be able to see the pictures that you said you had in your backpack." I know he doesn't know what they are but I wonder when he looks at them, will he regret asking to look at them. So I say, " Sure, You can look at them." I say this because I can't prevent him from looking at them and he already knows that I'd drawn pictures of him. I pull the pictures from my backpack knowing that it'd be better to get it over with rather than prolong it. 

He looks through the pictures and the look on his face is both hilarious and scary. Hilarious because he looks like he's in a tremendous amount of shock but scary because I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. He looks at me and I know he wants to say something but I didn't expect this. He says "You didn't get my chest 100% right but it's weird how well you did my body. Although I can tell you kinda didn't want to draw my d*ck so you didn't." I'm astonished, honestly, I never thought he would be so openly blunt but I guess I don't know him that well. Although it seemed like that was a once-off. That doesn't happen as often. After that, we kinda stayed in silence, although it wasn't awkward, even if it should've been. The bell rang, and we walked back to class. It seemed like going to that tree every lunch was going to become a routine.