Pain.

I felt pain. It wasn't on physical level, but on a mental level. It wasn't the pain where i'm on the floor, legs to numb from the pain, blood curdling cries, it was the pain where I didn't do anything at all. No tears threatened to run, because I couldn't muster up any words to express the emptiness I felt.

My pain surrounded every thought, every nerve, every movement in my body. I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming amount of feelings that were all coming at me at rapid speed. I put off so much of my mental stability to get through med school. I just wanted to be successful, but I ended up not taking care of myself. Instead of finding self sufficiency, I found stability in the people around me. Unfortunately, I found stability in him.

I just lost that stability. Despite how many people said he was bad for me, he was the exact opposite. He was light in so much darkness. He brought me back happiness. He brought me life. He brought me love. I didn’t know how much he meant to me until I lost him. It's true, when people say you never realize how much things are important until you lose them. Because that's the exactly what just happened to me.

I walked swiftly, passing the park that lead to my apartment. My fists clenched and unclenched to contain the anger and disappointment that clouded my thoughts. My heels echoed on the pavement from my solid, but hasty stomping. My mind kept repeating the memory from 20 minutes ago like an annoying broken record. “This is getting too much. I'm sorry.” The line went over and over in my head. Was I ever as important to him as he was to me? Was it a lie? Was there a bigger for this? Why did I put myself in this situation?

My thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of my phone from inside my clutch. For a swift moment, hope filled my heart thinking it was him, that he said he was sorry and it was a mistake. He would confess his love for me and everything would be better. It was only my best friend from my medical internship, Brayden. Disappointment replaced that short feeling of ecstasy. I took a deep breath of the cool november air, and declined. He would know something is off, and I didn't feel in the mood to relive every detail of tonight's events by telling him.

I walked up the stairs to my apartment and searched for the keys in my clutch. I saw that Brayden called two more times. Usually feeling guilty, I'd call back, but the only thing I felt right now was pain. Bone crunching, numbing, pain. I had another 48 hour shift of my medical internship tomorrow, and instead of thinking of how I could prepare for the day's events, my thoughts still drifted to him.

The next morning, I didn't bother with my spontaneous beauty routine i've become accustomed too. I felt dead inside, and no amount of makeup could cover the dullness that lacked from my face. When Brayden picked me up from my apartment to go to work, he knew I was down, but didn't bother asking what happened. We sat in awkward silence for the 20 minute drive to the UCLA medical center.

I walked in not being bothered by the chatting of people from every direction. I felt Brayden’s warm hand on my shoulder. We met eyes.

“I'll get you some coffee,” he said warm heartedly. With a smile, he walked away to the coffee kiosk in the cafeteria. I felt a small pang of guilt for being distant with him. But I didn't want to focus on that guilt, or any other feeling that was drawing me right now. I threaded my way to the changing room, getting occasional smiles from the nurses and patients I work with.

I started changing into my uniform when Elizabeth Ryans, my resident, exclaimed in her usually loud voice, “Car crash coming in from sunset, I need hands. Adams, Bailey, and Jackson. Catch up with me on my way to the E.R.” Our residents call us by our last names. She was pointing to the each of us with her clipboard when she saw that Brayden wasn't here.

“Orion, you better make sure your man Jackson gets here in the next minute or he is going to have to deal with me and everyone's workload of rounds for a week!” She said while staring intently at me. I've learned to not second anything Ryan's says, so I nodded affirmatively. As I grabbed my phone to text Brayden, I overhead some of the residents saying they hope he doesn't come in the next minute, some joking, some not.

Seconds later, Brayden walks in with two coffees. “What did I miss?”

While putting on my shoes, I reply, “Car crash coming in from sunset, and Ryan's said it was brutal. Hurry and change you me and Bailey are on the case.” I forgot about the coffee because the adrenaline from saving lives is was more effective than caffeine. While Bailey and I walk out and catch up with Ryan's, about 30 seconds later Brayden follows with an untied shoe. He tries to follow our quick pace without tripping and falling.

“It was a two car collision, one fatality from the driver of the car hit, but his three passengers are in critical condition. Other car is a Limo, where the diver and one of his passengers are also in critical condition. It’s going to be a rough one.” Ryans says. I am happy that this served as a distraction from the agony of heartbreak. We walk over to the scrub station and get on our scrubs. I tied the back of Braydens scrubs and he returned mine. In the background you could hear the ringing of the sirens carrying the patients from the brutal car crash. We follow Ryans, and the Trauma surgeons that joined our trek.

The ambulance pulled into the driveway of the trauma center and I erased every thought of him from my mind to be as useful as I can helping these patients.

“Adams you're with me,” Ryans calls. Pride filled my body when she called my name. Yet she wouldn't admit it, I was her favorite.  I follow her to the first ambulance and watch as the paramedics come out of the driver's seat and open the backseat. When the doors open another paramedic was atop of the patient, presumably closing a wound.

Paramedics bring down the gurney. Ryans was on the right side of the gurney, where the wound was, and I was on the left side. My eye caught a huge wound on his thigh. We all gathered our strength and rapidly pushed this critical patient inside for help.

“Seth Varner,-” My eyes shifted from the patient to the parametric. “-Large piece of glass stuck on his upper right solder. Unconscious when we got on the scene, we have suspicion of a brain bleed.” I stare in disbelief. No, this must be a mistake. We walk over to the gurney and help it down from the ambulance. The information she told us about the patient's injuries was registering in my head. I quickly dismissed the name that the paramedic said. Glass in upper right shoulder needs to be assessed first. Page an immediate neurologist consult.

I wanted to look at the patient's face, but I couldn't because of the paramedic atop on him putting pressure on his wound. He then turns, and looks at me. “Take my place, push against the wound or he will bleed out.” I knew this already, but without my casual smart remark, I mounted the gurney. My hands replaced his and I put my hands on the wound, replacing his pressure while he hops off the gurney. The wound had a huge shard of glass that seemed to go through the other end. I look up from the wound to see Seth.

I unknowingly whisper, “Oh my god.” I wasn’t hearing things. The paramedic was right. Seth, was under my body, almost bleeding to death with a possible brain bleed. The chaotic atmosphere I was hearing and seeing, all seemed to muffle like I was underwater. My sight get blurry from tears and my hearing was inaudible. I overhead my name being called by Ryans, but I didn't care. It was Seth. The man who took my heart and smashed it into millions of pieces last night.

I was pushed out of my trance that seemed to last hours by a shove to my side. I look over and see Ryans yelling. “Get with it Adams! Get off him slowly, we are taking him into the O.R. Zurita will take over pushing against the wound.” For his safety, I get off him and let Zurita, the scrub nurse, take over.

“What’s up with you? You blanked out on the elevator ride up here!” She exclaimed in my ear. I stared at her but I couldn't fully register what she was saying. I felt so much pain. “That's it, you're off this case for now. Don't bother scrubbing in, go somewhere you could actually be of use, because it isn’t here.” With that, she walked into the scrub room and I was left in the middle of the hall with my heart beating, to what feels like, out of my chest. The mixture of pain and worry from Seth, and Ryans words felt like venom running through my veins.

I ran my hand through my hair in complete and utter frustration. My thoughts were running through my mind at a million miles per second. I wanted to feel any feeling that I wasn't feeling right now. I just lost an amazing chance of scrubbing in on an amazing surgery, and lost the respect of Ryans. Tears threatened to break. My legs felt numb, I don't think they'll support my body any longer. My breathing becomes rapid, and I feel like i'm going to hyperventilate. Without A thought I ran down the hall and opened a empty medical room. At least I thought It was empty. As soon as a shut the door, I turn and see a patient and a nurse.

“Is my husband okay? Please tell me you're here to tell me some -Ow- good news.” She launched up out of her position to be completely upright, but ended up poking herself against the stitches that were going through her wound by the nurse. Her gorgeous green eyes pierced into mine, making me feel inferior. She was completely gorgeous. She awaited my answer as I just stared at her in disbelief. She saw the tears that were falling down my cheeks and she looked at me with confusement.

I gathered any sense of composure and wiped my tears and snuffled my nose. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to barge into your room like this, Ill leave.” I say quickly, stumbling over my words.

I try to escape but she called me. “Wait! Are you okay?”

I turn and look at her. The nurse probably thinks I'm a patient escaping the mental ward, with how I was looking right now.

“I'm just dealing with personal issues, with a combination of work issues.”

She weakly grins at me. “I mean, you couldn't possibly be having a worse day than me.” She gestures to her wound above her forehead. I feel immediately stupid and unprofessional confessing my problems to a patient who just survived a fatal car crash.

 A grin reached my face. She made light of such a dark situation, and I didn't know if I should hate her for it or envy her.

“I should really go though, again i'm sorry for barging in.” I looked at both of the two bodies in the room, one looking at me in complete bewilderment and the other pitting me.

“Wait!-” I turned again at the hoarse sounding blonde. “If you aren't doing anything, Id appreciate it if you'd sit with me.” Instead of rushing to any place where I could be alone, I felt like putting this patients well being in my hands for a while. I could distract myself from the fact that my own well being was in shambles. After a few seconds of awkward silence due to my thinking, I nodded with a weak grin.

I walked over to the side of her bed and took the hand she let out for me. The nurse's expression on me turned from confusion to pity. I hated that she felt that for me.

Other than her occasional groaning from the stitches, the room filled with silence. I held her hand for 10 minutes, enduring the hard squeezing on my hands to help her subside the pain. She never asked what was wrong with me, and I wondered if it was from the lack of interest or that she saw I didn’t want to talk about it.

Right now, I didn't know what to think. I just stared at the boney, pail hands of this beautiful blonde patient. I tried filling my thoughts with anything that was my life right now, but my mind always went back to seeing seth's unconscious body below mine. That feeling of hatred and love battled in brain right now. But above those two underlying polar feelings, Worry stood before them. As much as I despised him for breaking up with me last night, I never wanted this to happen.

“Hey.” My train of thoughts came to a halt. I didn't realize it, but tears rolling down my cheeks. Her hand was a bit damp from my tears. My eyes met hers. It felt like I was looking at her like a stray puppy. She looked like she was about to say something, but she was interrupted by the sound of the door opening.

We focused our attention to the door. Brayden came in. He looked at me in complete confusion. He was most likely about to deliver news. For procedure, his voice stayed calm and collected. “Mrs. Varner, I’m Dr. Jackson and I’ll be coming to you occasionally to give you update on your husband, who is currently in brain surgery right now. He has suffered a brain bleed. As for the wound he suffered on the field, that is also being prepared. We advise you to stay as calm as possible, for we are doing everything we can to get your husband back home with you.”

I didn't think I could get any more worse news, but I just heard, “Mrs. Varner.” My blood boiled and all my wishes for him to get better vanished. I was dating a married man.

I felt Mrs.Varner's hand squeeze mine. “My bad day tops yours for sure.” She says, trying to make a joke out of hearing that her husband was in brain surgery. With cold eyes, my piercing gaze shifted from Brayden to her.

I hated her. I hated her husband, I hated that she was nice and pretty. I wish she was cold and rude so I can have a viable reason to hate her. I didn't care about viable reasons, because the viable reason that filled my anger for saying what I was just about to say, was that I was dating this woman's husband.

“I dated your husband Mrs. Varner.”

“What?” She said in almost above a whisper. I felt the grip of her hand on mine loosen. I threw her hand off mine and stepped away.

“My ‘bad day’ was from seeing my boyfriend, unconscious, with a huge shard of glass through his shoulder! And now, knowing he has a wife. So, Mrs. Varner, my day might be worse than yours.” I spat. Her eyes turned to glass. Mine, were just becoming clear. Without another word or glance her way, I stormed out of the room. I pushed shoulders with Brayden who probably thought I was completely mental. I heard him call my name, but that didn't stop me.

I always thought I was smarter than this. I didn’t ever expect myself to be going to my dream school, UCLA, but even worse, I never expected to be dating a married man when i'm 24 in the middle of my first year of my residency. I can't even believe I was stupid enough to put myself in this situation!

I rushed into the observing area of the O.R. Seth was in. I stood, with shaking legs, observing Seth being operated on by our brain surgeon and Ryans who is working on the wound on his upper right soldier. I felt my breathing beginning to pick up again.

A warm, familiar hand was placed on my soldier. “Are you finally going to tell me what's happening, or are you gonna leave me in the dark.”

“You know the guy I've been seeing for the past year?”

“Yeah.”

I smiled weakly. “That's him on the table right now. And you just saw the ensemble of me finding out he has a wife.”

There was a anticipating silence that followed what I said. I heard some moving going on behind me from Brayden but I didn’t want to break eyes with the surgery going on below me. Ryans looked up from stitching arteries together and saw me perching down above her. With one glance from her, I felt so stupid for ever letting relationship trouble get in the way of my job. It’s as If with her eyes it was somewhat a slap in the face to get my stuff together. She looked down back at her work. I turned and saw Brayden taking a seat and was watching me. I took a seat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

“I need to get my life together.”

He signed and took my hand. “You always do.”

A week has passed and much has changed in my mental stability. Exactly 7 days have passed since my work life turned into a modern day soap opera. I might have gone home after than 48 hour shift and binge watched netflix, but I picked myself up and stabilized. People around you might give you highs and lows, but at the end of the day you have to look in the mirror and be responsible for how your life goes. I have done a lot of reflection on how I put myself in such a situation where I let myself yet again put so much of my life and love into someone else. My problem is that I put distractions in front of myself to stop myself from dealing with whatever that bothers me. I guess that's the whole reason I was always so intrigued with being a surgeon. Helping others before myself has been an record in my life that is on constant replay. Reflection does imply that I admit for the wrong things that I have been letting play into my life, but that is what I needed to do so I could improve myself. Putting yourself first shouldn't be seen a selfish, but a necessity to keep yourself going. I need to put myself first, and with time I am going to incorporate self love and mental stability into my life from now on.

I have yet to see Mrs. Varner. She has asked to see me, but I don't think I could stand being in the same room knowing who she is to Seth, and what I said to her. Looking back I should've kept my composure instead of letting my anger getting the best of me.

To redeem myself to Ryan's, I've been getting to UCLA an hour early every day to finish my rounds and pick up extra work where it's needed. Right now, I'm currently finishing the last of this mornings rounds.

“Adams, yet again finishing my rounds before I get to work.”

I turn and smile with coffee in hand ready to give to Ryans.

“You know Orion, no one likes a kiss ass. I might be the exception to that rule.” She says to me with a grin. She takes the coffee out of my hand and mutters a quick thank you.

“Go check on Seth Varner for me, will you?” She looks at me to see how I would react. She obviously can tell I have something personal with Seth, but my suspicion is that she wants to see if I could separate personal affairs with work.

With as much composure as I can muster, I nod. “Yes, Ryans.” She smiles and we part ways. In all honesty, i've been trying to avoid him in any way. Its immature, but I don't want to see him or think of him ever again.

I trek my way up to the elevator and press floor 3 where he is recovering. From my knowledge, he is in a medically induced coma to help with his healing of his surgery from the brain. Ryans fully repaired his shoulder, and should return full motivity in 3 months with regular physical therapy. I aspire to be as good as Ryans one day, and that's why it's so important for me to be taken under her wing. Ryans has won a Harper Avery award 3 times for her extensive research and contributions to western medicine. She is a women of our generation, and I want to take her place one day.

I reach level 3 and prepare myself for seeing Seth. I walk over to his room. He is in a coma, get over yourself. He won't see you. I peer into the window from his window and see him lying on his bed. But instead of being connected to a breathing machine, all he has is a IV and blank expression worn. He was fully awake, talking to Mrs. Varner.

I stared at him. His beautiful olive skin was finally returning color. His dark long hair swung to the right, just like I adored. He smiled at something Mrs. Varner said, and like a boy crazed high schooler butterflies arose in my stomach. I caught myself with a grin, staring at him through the window. I pushed myself against the wall in complete agony. All the hate I told myself to feel fanished with one glance at him.

I put my hands over my face and told myself, “Stop it, stop it, stop it.”

“Talking to yourself now?” I quickly removed my hands from my face and saw Mrs. Varner.

She stood with her hands holding her expensive handbag. Her hair was put back into a slick ponytail, showing off her defined cheekbones and the stitched up scar cutting through her eyebrow. Still, with a scar on her face, she looked alive and stunning. “Look, before you say anything, I'm not mad. I don't blame you in any way. To be completely honest, we weren't even together. It’s a broken marriage, and I had suspicions he was seeing someone. I just didn't know It would be my doctor.”

I was about to say something back, but she cut me off again.

“Why don't you go see him? I need to get my stitches out anyways.” She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed in affirmation. She smiled and walked away, without letting me say a word. She tried coming off as confident, but I could tell she was hurt. My stomach churned in guilt for her. Without any other thought, I carried myself into Seth's room.

His dark chocolate eyes pierced mine. He stared back with a stale look on his face. “You've met Vivian.” His words were laced with apprehension, but I couldn’t focus on my anger because his voice soothed any disgruntled feeling I had before I entered the room.

I thought he would say something completely different. Maybe how much he missed me, how he wanted me back, but he pointed out the one thing that he was keeping from me. I noticed that the feeling of disappointment that flooded my body was something I've come accustomed to with him. I scoffed and replied, “Yeah. Look, I don't want to do this any more than you want too, I need to take your vitals.”

He smiled at me and my stomach, yet again, churned. “What makes you think I don't want to do this?”

“When you broke up with me last week.” I quickly remarked. His eyebrows furrowed. I walked over to him and took his chart that hung above his bed.

“Look, I know you're going to feel bad about Vivian. We aren't, really together rig-”

I cut him off quickly, I didn't want to hear anything that was coming out of his mouth.“Being in a marriage is enough together Seth.” He grabbed my wrist that was holding the clipboard.

“Listen to me Orion. I miss you. I shouldn't of broke things off. Vivian was flying in from Paris the next day and I panicked. I ended things because I didn't want her finding out I was with another woman when she was away. I'm so sorry I put you into this.” I stared at him in complete disbelief.

“After this, I don't ever want to see you again. Fix things with your wife, I honestly don't care, just dont ever bring yourself into my life again. You know I need to focus on my career. Let me do that for myself.” I snarked back. He looked up at me, yet to remove his grip from my wrist.

“I love you.”

I rolled my eyes and shook his hand off mine.

“No, you don't.” I tried walking away, I took mental note to make Brayden take his vitals because I couldn't deal talking to him right now.

“Please don't leave.” He tried getting out of his bed to get me but completely fell out of his bed. I turned around and rushed to help him.

“God, don’t be stupid. You could've hurt yourself!” I exclaimed to him while helping him get back into bed.

“It was a mistake breaking things up with you. Please listen to me.” He begged. I stared down at him in disbelief. He is unbelievable. He is making it so hard for me to let go, but I need to do this for myself. I need to focus on my job.

“So you'd divorce her for me?” I whispered to him. He stared at me, observing every inch of my face. He told me he loved observing my face. Without makeup, he would say my imperfections were what made me beautiful. With makeup, he would always compliment how I look beautiful with and without it. My heart filled with love and fear for his response.

“I can’t.” Love soon filled with the disappointment. I chuckled and put his chart back where it belonged. I tried walking out of his room, but I felt like I needed to say one last thing.

“My biggest mistake wasn’t falling in love with you. It was thinking that you had fallen for me too.”

With that, I walked out of the room with the same feelings that filled my heart that night he broke up with me, but with a different mindset.  I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders I didn't know I was carrying. Instead of feeling helpless, I felt determined to focus on myself for once. I knew I was going to be okay, and that things would go on better without him. I need myself and myself only to go on with life. Yes, one day, I might find someone who will give me the love that Seth granted me, but not with the pain and confusion.

I left that room different than I entered it. Pain shapes a person's character, and with pain comes knowledge. I know now not to find stability in others, but to find stability in myself. Loving yourself is more important that loving those around you. Life goes on only if you are in for the ride it gives you.