So I’ve decided to start a journal on my life and how I’m going to deal and how I’m dealing currently with my life.
Hopefully, someday I will publish this not as a horror story of another teenager “coming out” but an inspiration that being you isn’t always easy but it’s always right.

My name is Leio Rossi and this is my story of how I found out I was a (and excuse the ridiculous need to label myself) panromantic asexual transgender.

Now, I’m not sure if I count as a trans right now because I still sort of dress like a girl  but the way I see it is I’m going to be ME, and me right now is a boy who’s been forced to be a girl his entire life.

Ever since I was little (and dear lord here we go with the I’ve always known blerp) I’ve never felt right trying to sing the girl part or be the princess with sparkling dresses. I’ve always loved being dressed in suits and having short hair. I’ve always wanted to be the one to woo the girl— the one who leads the dance and does things for the other.
Right now though, I’m too…big to pass off as a guy even though I am one. I will still be confused for a girl.

When I grow up, I want to be a rights activist for the people not treated right whether it be in the LGBT sphere, Mexican rights or any other cause. It is WRONG when a people is ignored for who they are and how they were born. It is wrong when self-comfort comes above helping those who have had their rights stolen.

I think life isn’t easy for anybody and we are all looking for ways to cope with this… heavy troublesome burden. Even though we live in hard times, I believe the key of happiness is not letting other people’s negative opinion get you down, helping out the needy, and just smiling.
If something makes your inexplicably, tremendously happy, why would you not go for it? It’s like not eating for a day then seeing an apple but not eating it because others might think you’re a health buff. Just because they want to continue starving doesn’t mean you should.  You found your happiness! You found this one unbelievably AWESOME thing that just makes you smile.
For me, it’s fandoms. It is hilarious comedians like Brian Regan, Dane Cook, and David Lopez. It’s this blinding joy that fills me when someone laughs at my joke,

For me, it’s inspirational people who never give up and continue fighting the good fight, For me, it’s seeing an A on a test or knowing I have someone I can hold hands with. It’s cuddling and kisses even though I’ve experienced neither.

I started this journal just so I could write about what’s going on with my life and to check off finishing a journal on my bucket list.

What I want in life is to be an actor, I’ve always felt my place is on the stage, ready to entertain people. I’m going to make a difference in my life. I’m going to impact someone in a good way.

First though (before I get ahead of myself) I need to focus on the right now, because my future depends on my present.

I’m going to start meditating one hour a day and exercising 1 ½ hours. The rest of my time will be allotted to the pursuit if knowledge via study. I sound so nerdy; it’s ridiculous.

So quick story: currently, I’m in the 10th grade. At the beginning of this year I was at a school called Arlington Heights. In August, I went to band camp, and it was there where I met the persons who would change my life a little. Her name was Sheryl Wilbanks, and she was beautiful. A month or two later she asked me out and I was caught between my desire to be with her and my duty towards my Christian faith. I had stopped being anti-homosexuality before the 10th grade but I had never really thought of myself in those terms. Never questioned if I was a lesbian (this was back when I was a girl) or bisexual. I had assumed that all these guides never applied to me because I had an automatic gender and sexuality decider called Jesus Christ. Although my mom constantly ridiculed me for never wearing dresses, I continued in what I had labeled ‘tomboy’ and hung out with guys.

Anyways, back to Sheryl, she asked me out and I ended up saying yes. I was terrified that someone would recognize me and tell my mother, but Sheryl was so comforting and patient.
I remember the first time we held hands. Her hands were rougher than mine and I had been so unused to (kind of still am, to be honest) touch and it felt extremely intimate to me, considering I detested physical contact.
At a UIL Band Benchmark, after out show, she took out a blanket (Supernatural theme, peeps, so awesome) that she had bought me and we sat down on the stands, our hands tightly held underneath the blanket.
I remember one day, during lunch, she had laid down, putting her head in my lap, and I had smiled like an idiot, running my fingers through her hair and petting her.

I remember her giving me a hug after lunch when she walked me to class. Like I said before, I don’t usually give hugs, so the first one took me by surprise. The second time, I was ready though and I jugged back just as tight. It felt right hugging her; it felt like home and love and acceptance.

You may be thinking okaaaay? Why are you telling me all this, weirdo?
The reason is I made the mistake of coming out to my mom, of telling her I was in a relationship with a girl and I like it. The next day she told me to get my textbooks because I was moving schools. That was the day I became an atheist.

-Leio Rossi

Some days you just kind of get tired of everything. You kind of just want to either scream and cause havoc or completely isolate yourself somewhere in nature and just meditate.

I didn’t stick to my plan today and boy, do I feel fat. I’ve eaten a chicken patty and a yogurt which isn’t bad, but it’s just not good.

Also my glasses have been acting up so they keep slipping off and even though I’m getting used to it now, it’s annoying.
I’m thinking of doing one of those journal prompt per day writing. I’ll probably sign up.

So just a quick calorie counter the yogurt was (110) and the chicken patty was (192). So that means I’ve eaten 302 calories. I can only eat 198 calories for the rest of today. That means I can eat four and a half cans of tuna.
I need to stop eating Betty’s lunches because they have waaaay more calories than I should be allowed.

I hate going to school. I truly believe that if I can be allowed to do a self-study or teach myself then I could be learn at a much faster rate, but I find myself unwilling to change schools.
I want to stay at Southwest because I’ve made friends and I don’t want to lose them… not again. It sucks tom move schools because it’s an endless cycle.

You say you’re not going to make friends, you make friends, you move, and your heart us torn out.

I’ve decided I’m just going to try and finish this journal instead of making it like an autobiography although to an extent it will be.

So one of the questions that I found asked for what my inner child longed for. I long for hugs and love. I long for cuddling and someone to hold hands with. My inner child longs for the stability denied to me when I was a child. It longs for a carelessness to be whoever I want to be. To write without fear of periods and spelling errors. To laugh and dance and do whatever I want.

It longs to inspire and make others laugh. I guess most of all it longs for freedom of everything.

My inner child longs for a life without fear of displeasing God. It longs to be the dashing prince sweeping the princess off of her feet.

I’m in Chemistry right now and I still hate life. Ooo, look at me! I’m a whiny teenager who has emotional constipation and depression.

I’ve contacted this woman about becoming pro ana and she is a pro ana trainer. I just need her to tell me what to do. I’ll stick to it.

Being skinny is the ultimate goal.

Journey c. 120!

Nobody likes fat ass people. Not even fat ass people. I’m feeling my cheek right now and it’s just full of disgusting fat. I need to learn how to have self-control and to stay true.

There’s this guy named Severin who’s cute in a I hope he doesn’t kill me kind of way. He’s tall and skinny and has a nose to rival Severus Snape’s. He has a good fashion sense though.

I’m probably going to end up making this a thinspiration journal or somewhere I went my hauntingly depressing teenage moods.

There’s this boy named Brandon who likes me but I don’t like him. This girl named Glory keeps trying to convince me to date him but I don’t like him like that.

I probably won’t like-like anyone until I reach end of my journey.

All these people are warning pro anas that they’re going to have heart, kidney, and other body parts problems, but I’m working on being skinny not healthy. I know I should probably care more about my health but why does it matter?

Music is such an awesome escape. You’re drowning out the worldly voices that leave you hurt and downtrodden, angry, and confused, but you’re drowning in the vogues of others who understand you more than people in your life.

Thank God! It’s almost time to go. Today I will have self-control! I can eat up to 4 tunas so if I get hungry tuna will be my answer. Besides tuna, I will be vegan.

No eggs, cheese, and milk.

That’s the easiest way to assure that I won’t fall prey to food. Sugar is another thing being cut out. I don’t care if I get sick. I don’t care if I die. I just want to be skinny. Just want to be pretty. 

I’m wearing these ugly red sweatpants that actually look good me but I am so fat. My fat spills onto the chair and I like to place my hands over them and pretend I’m skinny.

My stomach is getting so big because I’ve been stuffing my face. I’m such a fat whore.

I also have to write another chapter of All I Need. So Jim claimed John has a Fidelio’s with him meaning John has a secret and Draco shouldn’t kill him for this reason.

So yesterday I decided to quit my fanfiction career and get serious about school and my actual book. I cried because it had become such an important factor in my life. People loved me for writing stories they love.

I’m going to wait until September before writing fanfiction again. And only if I’m circa 120 lbs. I’m also going to be focusing on my weight.

I’m going to live pro ana until I lose the wright that I need to.

My grades are decent right now but they need to be the BEST!!!

It’s hard to write about my feelings when I usually don’t. Often times I feel supremely lonely but I’m not really. I laugh and have people who ask me for help in class.

I wish I had someone to talk to outside of school. All those people talk about having boyfriends and girlfriends and I just don’t understand it.

I’m going to set up a schedule to study (or rather checklist thing) and then I’m aslo going to set up goals for books.

I need to study more.

I have a stupid book fine on my name from YWLA but the thing is I turned in my book! I find myself inexplicably sad walking through the hallways.

I’m still hoping to go to Harvard, Princeton, or a rich school.

I’m terrified of the future. I feel sosososososososo underprepared. I have NO idea what to expect and that terrifies me.

I wish I could be like other girls skinny and pretty but I’m one of those really unattractive girls who will never get a boyfriend.

I’m straight. None of this transgender s***. I’m so dumb sometimes.

I find myself so conflicted between wanting to be a good Christian person and being a gay rights activist.

Sincerely,
Leslie Hernandez Reyes

So I’ve decided I’m going to attempt to fill up this journal with just random things if I have to. I don’t even care anymore about being poetic or anything. I’m just going to write what goes through my mind without a filter or anything

One of my favorite bands is Bastille especially Icarus which is an interesting song because it can be seen as a romantic tragedy song but with the actual myth involves a father and son flying out of a prison. The picture I’m seeing in my head is Poptropica because that’s where I first heard it. I feel pity for whoever tries to read this.

I get so confused sometimes because I feel—I KNOW that Christianity is the real deal but I want to be free of that. I want to fandom. The pull of repinning and fanfiction is becoming stronger daily but at the same times I want others to know about the cross because while I may be subjecting myself to hell I would never wish it upon anyone else.

On Instagram I’m slowly becoming a famous fandom blog which I’m not even sure if that’s a thing.

I can’t believe I made the idiotic decision to delete all my fanfics. Like what the f*** was wrong with me? F*** my mom and her traditional views.

I LOVE gay relationships. So what? Like Spock is an awesome character that I feel like I could connect to but at the same time I don’t want to be him. I want to be ME!

I’m terrified of the future and college and scholarships. They pile all this on me sating I have to start thinking about it and I’m just drowning in the pressure wanting to cry and ball up. I don’t want to live anymore because I feel like someone’s slow motion punching me in the middle of the chest. It’s horrible.

I read the sparksnotes recently of Lolita and whoa if that doesn’t sound like an overwhelmingly weird psychological book.

Loven and I talked about quantuam physics at the YMCA while running and we talked about Doctor Who.
I need to lose weight. I’m so fat but instead of doing anything about it I just eat and eat and eat.

The Script is another band that I like a lot.

I love making people laugh. Like I’m not a sociable person but I love seeing other people laugh so much.

It’s gotten to the point where I fear I’m becoming a Dementor feeding off of other people’s happiness.

It’s been so long since I’ve touched other people or socialized with them I often feel so alone and empty.

I want to become mute just so I don’t have all these words fighting to come out because I always seem to say the wrong thing.

Bastille as an interesting background music all instrumental with various themes and elements.

So, I'm back after a long long time not working out and completely f***ing binging on food that I honestly did not need. I'm pretty sure I gained like sixty pounds and everybody keeps telling me that I look pretty, but if I look so freaking pretty why does no one ask me out?

Well, I know why. It's because everyone looks at me and sees how when I sit down my belly just protrudes through my shirt showing all the delicacies I indulged in when I should have sweating my butt off to get those stupid calories out of me. So guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to f***ing show them. SHOW THEM ALL! I am the smartest now

I only have to be the skinniest most wantable girl in all of Southwest. I will show them the meaning of perfection, but I will do it in such a way that even the freshmen will remember me and say, “Do you remember that girl who used to go here who was a goddess?”

I'm tired of being overlooked and cast aside as a nerd. I will be the best, and as such, I not only have to be pretty, skinny, and smart, I need to be able to communicate effectively. I will no longer mutter and say things underneath my breath. I will be respected and outspoken and god dammit, if I'm wrong SO BE IT. EVERYONE IS WRONG AT SOME POINT!!!!

It is only through mistakes that we learn how to do things correctly, for a river cuts through a rock not by its power but its persistence. So I will persist and try and try again. OVER and over until I get it right.

But I'm going to need help to do this. I'm going to need to learn to get over myself and ask for help and advice and to be direct with what I need. I will no longer be taken for some nerd that could look good. I will be the best. It's going to be hard, but I know that I can do it with enough willpower and strength. It will be hard. It will be hard. But I CAN DO IT!

Tomorrow will be my third day of school and I'm going to learn so much that it's going to awesome because knowledge is something not everyone can get. There are people around the world that don't have the privilege of free education but luckily, I do. So I should take this opportunity and run with it. Sprint while I don't have to pay, because college is right around the corner and that's when the cash flow starts going out.

I really enjoy JROTC. I feel like I'm going to get a lot out of it, but it kind of surprises me how many teachers are providing the materials this year. I feel like it's kind of odd, but I'm not going to complain.

Today I saw the girl that had sent her friend during registration to ask me if I was a lesbian and I had told her maybe, which is like the worst thing to say to someone who is clearly trying to see if they can flirt with you. So tomorrow I'm going to swallow my pride and go say hi to her, because I can't let my mom dictate how my life is going to be.

Because the minute I become an adult, I will be free to be a lesbian. Or bi. Or transgender. And that thought comforts me a lot, because right now, I don't feel like I can do that. Right now, I have to be the straight Christian girl that my mom wants me to be.

But that doesn't mean that I can't try out things at school. I'll just have to be less talkative with my mother about what's happening at school. I'm going to go say hi to the girl tomorrow. Hopefully she

Also, I have to make food for tomorrow, because I believe there may be StuCo after school tomorrow. So I'll get started on that. I'm kind of really excited about how organized my life is going to be. I can have friends and be smart and skinny. I read somewhere that losing weight is science not math. And you know what, that is completely and utterly true.

So that is it for today. I'll see you all next week,

Leio Rossi

So everything is going as planned. Mr. Stanbury, my math teacher, likes me and actually called on me today which was beyond embarrassing since my mind had been in other places, but I guess that goes to show me that I need to focus on one thing at a time and in class, it should be that class. I took the quiz today, even though I had come in early to take it in his room. It turned out there was a faculty meeting in the morning so he had forgotten to tell me. :(

I'm pretty sure that I've just been voluntold that I'm going to be leading the UV4C club, and the problem with last year's club was that there was no organization...no motive- no direction in which they wanted to make a change. So I've decided that I'm going to lead the group towards a campaign to put cup like things around outdoor lamp posts so that there is less light pollution.

Now, I'm not going to lie, when I first heard about this I was interested but it seemed like such a petty thing to fight over. I mean, it's just light, right? Wrong. It's damaging to our ecosystem, our health (shocking), and our future. You see, the day before I decided on this topic, I had a dream. And not a metaphorical dream by the way. At some point in my dream, I looked up and saw this beautiful array of stars and I woke up sometime that night and went out to look at our sky only to find it pale in comparison. I thought nothing of it, except for probably “Bummer that would've been awesome to paint.”

But then, little things in my day just kept reminding me of it, art, UV4C, leadership talk, and it clicked on me that what better way to gather school spirit- to join the variety of people that makes up Southwest than to give them a cause. Now, I agree it could be INOK or SAT prep and all that good stuff, but I know that we've been worn down over and over with these things. We needed something new.

And I believe that this project can achieve that.

But before I start rallying the people, I need to figure out all that I can on the subject so that when people ask me about it, I can say with confidence... “This is why you should care.”

Anyway, I talked to Callie Jones about joining the swim team and I'm honestly a little worried it will be too much for me, because of everything I'm doing, but you know what, f*** it. I will join and be a part of a sports team, even if I look completely ridiculous in a swimsuit.

I feel really bad, but I'm pretty sure that Callie forgot too. So what I'll do tomorrow is talk to the swim coach after school and get that all cleared up. Then I also need to get a physical sheet so that I can get that cleared because I'm pretty sure I'll need that for JROTC anyway.

Let me think, there wasn't much else to report on. I had a fun day. Talked to people. But I realized that the group I'm in with Brooke isn't the group of people that I want to surround myself with. I need to surround myself with people that are going to make me a better person and vice versa. I'll go friend searching tomorrow. I also need to get on Cindy's homework or else I'll be doing it on Sunday again, and I don't like that because I need to participate in that class.

What else am I forgetting? Oh, I didn't talk to that girl who liked me. I don't think I will. I just don't have time for that whole drama. It's too much. But I do need to figure out who's in charge of UIL. I think Mrs. Deupree is in charge of it this year.

My birthday party sucked. I was just expecting more people but I guess that just goes to show me that you can’t really trust people. Another reason that I should be glad that I don’t have as many real friends to let me down. I kind of feel really down but how am I supposed to tell my mom that when she worked so hard to make it good and only for me to tell that it completely sucked. I didn’t even like it.

The worst part though was the preparation. Karla was saying that either she or my mom needed to help me put on my dress and I just… I can’t do that. It’s too triggering and I’m way too sensitive and self-conscious. Like f*** you mom yes I’m fat. I can’t stand it. Then! Then she changed in front of me and I can’t take that. Call me old fashioned but I can’t stand doing any of that kind of stuff.

Then...then my mom and I got into a fight about the bra I was wearing and she completely freaked the f*** out. I’ve NEVER done this kind of thing before and she was acting like if I should know how to do this exactly. She said something about me and I got angry-

I actually feel really nervous about starting a journal. I feel like it’ll end up like all my other notebook, used for two minutes with awesome poetic words than cast aside never to be seen again unless I’m looking for something for my brothers to draw in.

But in my life right now, I kind of really need a place where I can just slow down and just let everything out…but that’s not easy to do because honesty is one of the hardest things to achieve when writing because sometimes it sometimes means confronting things that I’d rather let be left unsaid or unwritten.

What did I do today? Let’s start easy. Today I took the bus which was strange because I usually take my bike but because I was wearing my JROTC uniform, I didn’t want to mess it up by taking a 20 minute bike ride. I wonder if there were any ducks on the path today.

Sometimes I’ll find a group of ducks (and sometimes geese) and if I have my iPad with me, I like to take picture of them, but they always run away from me.

Anyway I took the bus today and I made Jasmine walk around with me because I felt like it then I headed off to the JROTC building in hopes of getting a locker since I brought a lock that day, but the JROTC instructors never came and I was left dragging a 5 ton backpack around the school for like 5 periods which absolutely sucked because I’m sure in the future I’m going to go to the doctor’s and they’ll be like, “What the hell is wrong with your back?!” and I’ll be like. “School, man.”

I worry about my future, like every other person in the world. I wonder what I’m going to be like. Will I be hipster? Totally fangirl? In a mental hospital?

At theatre rehearsals today, we ended up spending the whole time telling each other what we thought of the other ones and I was very pleased with what I received. They told me I was funny even when I didn’t even try. Mark (Jacob) thought I was the most mature out of the cast and I took that as a compliment but then again maybe that’s one of the reasons people don’t like to approach me.

I like being around people. I like interacting with them and laughing and being friends but I just don’t seem to have a knack for it. And also I don’t like to intrude in friendship circles that have already been made. I like to be invited…maybe I’m a vampire.

I got tired of writing in black. I needed a new color to lighten things even though the topic may get darker…but not for a while.

There’s this boy named Kevin who has long shoulder length blond hair and kind of looks like Kurt Cobain. He’s super awesome guy who likes Doctor Who which instantly gives him kudo points. He feels the feels and I kind of like that.

Then there’s Jacob, lead actor of the show who is super cute and all the girls will chase after him when he bulks out and has his braces off. But beyond his looks, he’s, from what I’ve come to see, a superb actor and an overall amazing guy. He’s funny and charming and witty.

Even after Ashleigh insults him and hurts him, he still tries to be polite to her (although he will defend himself and may throw a few slugs from time to time). I think if Ashleigh would stop baiting him with sexual innuendos he would be a gentleman.

Ashleigh, oh god, Ashleigh is one of those few people I managed to correctly guess her personality. 3 words, my friend: A TOTAL B****. She’s the kind of girl I really don’t like. The kind that are always trying to put themselves up and always think they’re right and should get what they want whenever they want. She told me when I first met her that she’s “very straightforward” but will instantly go behind someone’s back and tell other people rude things about them. She’s an okay person, but I would personally never hang out with her.

She’s not my kind of person. At all.
In Mr. Wilson’s class today he told us about how we shouldn’t take one source’s words for anything. He told us of how if we want to know something we have to make sure to listen to the primary source instead of relying on headlines from biased and obviously Democrat/Republican reporters. I love hearing life lessons from Wilson. I just feel like my eyes open up so much more because he says things in a way where it isn’t biased (obviously) in one direction or another. It’s geared towards presenting us as close to the truth as we’ll ever get. I’m kind of considering joining UIL Spelling just to spend more time with him because he is hands down my favorite teacher even if he doesn’t remember me. He actually called me Cleo near the beginning of the 6 weeks and I felt a soul deep sadness. It’s just because he favors the more outspoken bubbly girls always looking for attention.
Sometimes I really wish I could be like that but the only times I’m ever at that level of happiness is when I’m doing something concerning my fandoms.

Color change! (Dramatic too because it’s so pale)

In JROTC today I ended up being late because I needed to print out something for Dual Credit English which is right after JROTC. We had our inspection today but oh my god I couldn’t answer any of the questions. I felt like a total loser.

Then we went to our classroom (1) and looked over the study guide to advance to the next level which for me was Private but everyone else except Female Visor had the Basic.

I like Sergeant Enriquez the best. He’s funny, outspoken, and amazing.

But you know who I think is the best out of all the teachers? Mr. Henson, man. He’s like drop dead cute. Cute is too juvenile. He’s extremely attractive to me and I kind of just melt when I see him. Most of the reason has to do with him looking ridiculously a lot like Phil Coulson.

Then in Spanish we have this sub called Ms. Davis who sucks as a Spanish teacher because she spends half of the times talking about her own experiences and this is an AP class. I need to focus on the actual material instead of having stories of days past by grandma. I know that sounds totally disrespectful but we need to be actually learning instead of doing nothing. This is a class that depends on an exam that most of us aren’t ready for.

Rant aside I need to start studying for the ACT and SAT because that’s coming up fast.

Signing out,
Leslie Reyes

Today has been stressful. I keep having the feeling that I screwed something up or I will screw something up. I’m planning on taking my private during lunch and I’m kind of nervous.

I feel like a loser- like I’m sinking into that awful depression that I seem to always be able to sense when I’ll enter it. I hate it. I hate this breathless feeling and the dull of burn of tears waiting to come out. I have to be strong. I have to be perfect. It’s not a choice.

Mr. Stanbury is one of the few people that I have a huge respect for and whom I’m sure will end up taking a spot right next to Mr. Hiett.

He cares about me in ways that I often don’t feel and it makes me feel special. He told my mom that he loved me and that’s something huge for me because

I’m the kind of person to rarely feel loved. It’s not something I’m used to feeling. He told me I was his favorite student. I’m often a well-liked student but I’m rarely ever someone’s favorite because I’m an annoying brat.

I’m going to study now for the private exam.
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Today was rather uneventful. We were assigned to groups for the play and I ended up being the pregnant lady whose babies might be dogs. It’s super weird play.

Jacob greeted me today and I felt… noticed. I like to think that most everything I do is reaction. I put in as much as the other person does and if they wave and scream, “Leslie!” I yell back with the same enthusiasm.

I feel like I’m not prepared for neither the Spanish play nor the actual play. I’ve never really been confident in my acting skills.

Wilson was feeling off today, saying he was tired but he was still hilarious and awesome. Tomorrow we have a sub in his class which SUCKS because totally he’s totally awesome and I wish I had him for all my previous and future classes for history. He’s much better than Watterson in my opinion.

So I took my Private test for JROTC but I’m pretty sure I failed it abysmally. Stupid Star Spangled Banner. I’ve been in many different programs but of course it has to be choir the one I haven’t been in that knows the song.

Urgh!

I snapped at Riley from Physics today and I felt so bad because I acted just like Isabella but it’s just that I wanted to hear what Brandon’s response was and Riley had already told me the answer like 5 times.

I always feel so uncomfortable around her because I see myself in her— the awkwardness— speech patterns and I definitely do not like it.

The JROTC people must think I’m an idiot. I think Colonel Mack is the only one who doesn’t like me. Enriquez and Scioneaux like me well enough.
Sometimes I feel s insignificant. I feel like I’m never going to fit in.

Something I feel is necessary for this diary to be a success is that it needs to be straight from the heart— something deep. There needs to be truth in my words even though there’s rarely any when I speak.

This week has been stressful. I started talking with Daniel Gedding again and he tried to kiss me but I just can’t do it.

I don’t doubt that everyone thinks I’m a stable, mentally sound nerd who enjoys to show off her above average intelligence. I wonder if they think about what kind of music I listen to. Do they think I listen to classical? Do I limit myself when I think of myself as solely a nerd?

But if I’m not a nerd then what am I? I’m not an actress. I’m not a leader. I’m not smart…not really. I am a nerd because I love school. What will I do when I get out of school?

Goddammit. I wanted to stay on one topic but how can I do that when my mind is too disorganized for such a simple task as clearing out my mind from distractions. It’s not as easy as it sounds. It’s hard because I don’t know whether to purge my soul out now or purge it later.

It’s funny that I use the word purge. Because I would never have known what purge had meant if I hadn’t realized what a f***ing fat person I was. It’s just…after being in a sport that literally has you exercising most of the day, you kind of let yourself go with the preamble that you can exercise it off later except when you get out of the sport. The exercise goes away but the eating habit doesn’t.

I wish I had developed a bit of self-discipline back in my freshmen year.

Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have the problem I have right now. Maybe the voice in the back of my head wouldn’t scream at me. It wouldn’t force my hands to wander down my thighs and take stock of all the food I shouldn’t have eaten. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so damn uncomfortable with people touching me.

Although that is a rather different problem. I don’t like people touching me because of him. My father. Who ate the forbidden fruit. Who touched that which shouldn’t be touched. I wish I was normal.

I wish I could be a normal girl who listens to goddamn Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran and is obsessed with Shawn Mendes and isn’t an emotional wreck of a teenager. I wish I could just stick with one boyfriend. I wish I wasn’t so needy. I wish I knew how to be normal. But Wikihow isn’t very helpful on that. It just gives me a task of impossible tasks.
I wish I wasn’t smart. Because it is a far far better thing to be dumb and pretty than smart and pretty. Because people expect you to be like the others. The billions of other pretty girls with makeup faces and plastic smiles. But I CAN’T! I DON’T KNOW HOW!

I don’t know how to be the perfect little Christian girl my mother wants me to be. I don’t know how to be the submissive, cuddling girlfriend Jacob wanted me to be. I don’t know how to be the exceptional student my teachers want me to be. I just… I don’t even like conforming.

I want to be different.  I want to be weird. But I want to be accepted. So I stretch. I stretch myself beyond my limits. And I’m not good enough. I’ve been a sports person. I’ve been a nerd. I’ve been a fangirl. I’ve been the lesbian. I’ve been the delinquent. I’ve been so much and yet so little.

There’s so few constants in my life and you would think with those few, I’d be open to change and on a level I am. But I’m terrified. I’m so scared of change. I don’t like it. I want to cry at the thought of it. I want to hug someone so tight my soul consumes them. I want to cry so hard I drown in my tears. I want to scream so loud I become deaf at the sound of my pain.

I’m tired of being neither strong nor weak. I’m tired of being neither smart nor dumb. I’m tired of being this shade of grey in a world of black and white. I just want to die. If I can be neither light nor dark, I’ll become red. Bloody red.

Red that pours down desperate wrists.

Red that gathers at a drain. I’ll fade into the background.

People don’t like reading the mind of someone who wants to kill themselves. They are drawn to it but are repulsed. IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTANDS? Is there someone who knows what I speak of when I think this? Someone who wants to surpass every expectation but is sinking under the pressure of society’s judgment.

I’m so tired.

I’ve never felt more alive (dead).

Why do we procrastinate when we know we should be working on something else? Like what is it? Is it the front part of my brain that people talk about when they say teenagers make rash decisions?

I feel so overwhelmed because I don’t think I’m going to go to a good college. I don’t feel like I have good enough grades. I feel like despite everything I’m doing and everything I’ve done I won’t be one of those fortunate people who has a full ride scholarship or something. It’s so so so so hard. I can’t stand it. Like people expect teenagers to be socially adept, artistically expressive, athletic, smart, responsible, healthy, and so much more. But we’re only young adults and old kids. They’re expecting too much of us.

I wish I had known the specifics of AP and Dual Credit when I entered high school. Because I didn’t understand how they worked or their significance. I didn’t understand the importance of not failing a semester rather than worrying about failing a six weeks. Like I was stressing over like the tiniest things when

So I transferred some of the physical diary entries onto here and as I was reading I kind of wanted to cry a little.

There was this whole section just hating on Ashleigh and I feel like a b****. I just didn’t understand her character back then. And I haven’t really mentioned her since then, but she’s going through a rough time right now. She has to get her grades up because her aunt doesn’t think she’s taking care of her grandma well and that if she doesn’t get her act together she’ll be forced to move in with her aunt.

Also, I don’t think I spoke about Jacob in like a positive way. I wouldn’t date someone just because they’re cute. No. Jacob (Mark in earlier entries) is so good. So good. And I honestly don’t deserve him. He’s hilarious and caring and so attentive. All that stuff about us not being compatible was complete and utter bullshit. We could totally have worked out. He was so considerate and he always made time for me even though I was an asshole. He would do all these gentleman things and I would feel utterly confused and useless and somewhat indignant because I didn’t know how to react to it. The lack of a father figure really left me unprepared for the caring nature Jacob has. I wasn’t ready. I don’t know else to explain it other than he was totally perfect and I completely ruined it. I broke his heart or at least hurt his feelings… I don’t know how to try and get back with him. Could he just accept a crappy apology and terrible excuses? No. I don’t think so. I think I may be in love with him.

Long story short. He’s the best person you can think of and I was a bit of a fool for letting him go.

My family and I went on a picnic today. It was fun. We made sandwiches and had hard boiled eggs and we played Uno. Then Luben had an appointment and he bought Nerf guns and we had a s***load of fun in our pretend battleground in the living room. Oh it was awesome.

I’m actually really tired because it’s like 10 but I wanted to clear that up.
Oh and Mr. Henson knows me know and likes me. Not in that way.  But still. He jokes around with me and on the outside I roll with it but inside I’m just lying on the floor faint with excitement. Yeah… so anyway, good night.

Oh and all those worries I had about acting were unfounded! Everyone loved me. I still get looks around the school but that might be because I cut my hair super short.

Either way. Night. Oh and my mom may have let out that she is finally accepting me being gay??? “Boyfriend or girlfriend”???

Leio

Okay, so I’m slightly worried. My mom just got some mail that made her turn super serious in like two seconds flat and it’s about Leon. It probably has something to do with his autism and the testing they did. It’s weird because she used to be so against this idea that something was wrong with him. Also she got mail from a funeral home?

Today had been a pretty good day. It was a lazy day with people doing nothing and all that. I don’t know. I got some awesome pens and I had to go to boring old BSF (barf). I hat going to that place. It’s just not for me. I hate it. But instead of Bible Study Fellowship I think I’m going to rename it to Biblical Studies class. Cuz I don’t go there for fellowship. I got there because I’m forced to. It’s like a class.

There really isn’t much to talk about today so I guess I’ll just talk about random things. I began a bullet journal today. It’s pretty awesome. I have a Habit Tracker, Food and daily schedule. Everything is awesome.

I really love Spirk. (Spock and Kirk together) There’s something about them like this feelings first headstrong captain and this emotionally restraining Vulcan who has to deal with mockery about his heritage. Like you could seriously have a reenactment of civil rights and cross cultural things with this pairing. I’m surprised to see that there isn’t much of it. Like you could totally make a Civil Rights AU or Civil War AU if you thought about it long enough. Spock would be the white role and Jim the black because of Vulcan superior intelligence and all that. And Jim would be this rebellious slave/ lesser that fascinated Spock to no end.

I don’t know. My favorite song right now is either Take on Me by A-ha or Oh Well, Oh Well by Mayday Parade.

We’ve been working on Thanksgiving dinner. I made the mistake of asking for a turkey because I was hungry at the time when she called to ask me. I don’t even like turkey.

I don’t have much to say today. Goodbye!

Leio

Wooie, Christmas is right around the corner. And I’ve been looking through some of these journal entries and dear lord have I changed. I find it so hard to see how I’ve changed as a person. It’s so weird. Like I used to be this person so obsessed with becoming skinny because I thought that’s what people saw, and I guess I still kind of do, but not as much. Not really.

Theatre helped me escape that cage of anorexic thoughts and thinking everyone was always staring at my weight and fat, and in reality maybe a few of them are but who cares?! I’m that crazy awesome chick from the play!!! I am a badass and super smart. People don’t like me much anymore but I don’t care. I’ve learned to crawl out of my shell. To openly express who I want to be. It feels liberating. Like I still get angry and sad but I know I’m not a complete f*** up. I remember the times after the plays where everyone would come and shake your hand and say you did good.

Everybody loved me. Everybody was like you did so well. And it just rocked me. Like I’m actually good at something beyond academics. They like it. It was something that really changed who I am. I’m no longer the introverted shy person I used to be. I’m not afraid of embarrassing myself. Of making a fool out of myself for the sake of fun. It’s so much more relaxing than worrying about what other people think of me. I’m so glad I did it. It was one of the best experiences of my life.

I saw Mr. Keller today and we kind of awkwardly said hello to each other and that tore my heart a little because he really changed my life. He encouraged me when I felt so so so so unprepared and unequipped. Theatre changed my life. Theatre gave me a sense of confidence that I feel is going to carry on with me for the rest of my life.Books opened my eyes. Band opened my heart. Music opened my lungs. Fandoms opened my mind. Theatre opened my soul.

I wish I could tell the younger kids that it’s going to be alright. To involve themselves. That high school goes past you in a flash and you better throw yourself into a passion or you’re gonna live your life shallowly. There is so much community offered in high school; it’s literally impossibly hard to not get sucked in somehow. But I can tell where this self-inflicted loneliness comes from. It comes from a place where you’re insecure and you don’t know what for. You feel this hole deep inside you that for some reason demands your tears as tribute. Your social life as food. And the farther you fall into it the less you see the light reaching for you.

Being smart was one of the hardest things for me in high school. Knowing that everyone thought you were smart and that sometimes you weren’t. It crushed me. There’s an expectation for you to know everything and it’s kind of impossible. I mean, I am smart. I’m pretty Spocky if I do say so myself but even I have my limits.

Anyway, just feeling nostalgic today. 

Maybe I’ll go tell Keller that he changed my life tomorrow.

None of you understand pain. True pain. The kind that torments you for years. The kind that pops up unexpectedly-randomly.

The kind you can’t escape from

None of you know what it is to be sad to be drowning in this goddamned depression and have seas of tears behind your eyes.

You know what? F*** you Brooke. I don’t even care about your crusty dusty mofo ass anymore. If you want to be friends with that hoe Rachel by all means go right on ahead. I don’t even care,

What am I saying? I care too much. Brooke, you don’t understand! I don’t know how to stop myself from falling in love with my friends! I have trouble differentiating between love and close friendship. I know you feel like I’m annoying and completely weird now. I know you can feel the distance between us in the same way I can. I know that I wasn’t as good as a friend that you needed me to be. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I get jealous and territorial over something that I don’t even possess. I’m sorry that I find your friend Rachel so annoying. I’m sorry that I don’t have perfect makeup. I’m sorry that I suck so freaking much.

I feel so tired. I can’t do this on my own. My grades are high but I’m feeling super low. Just need to finish this essay and you keep distracting me. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Get OUT OF my mind. When did I become so empty? When did I become so boring? Why?
 

Why do I even write in this thing? It’s so dumb. I should go on a diet. I’ve been realizing how fat I’ve been getting.